Summer 2009

So, summer 2009 has come to an end. And on monday, i return to Ridgeway. I am staying at heles for 5 hours a week, and yes i may end up seeing andy, but i oew it to myself to stay at ridgeway for the rest of my subjects, because i am not going to put myself through all the hurt again. This summer has been the best of my life though, and i wouldnt change one second of my life right now. I have the best friends in the world, and i dont even care if i am single for the rest of my life, because i have the most amazingest people in it.anyways, not much more to say, but here are the highlights :) :

If love were standing infrnt of me and asked 'what are you prepared to give me?' I don't know what i'd say. Maybe i'd ask 'What have i done to you? Why did you mess me around like that?' And then i'd shake him until his thoughts are all messed up like mine are. But still, whatever happens and whoever breaks my heart, i still believe in the power of love. Maybe im stupid, maybe im naive, or just maybe hope dies last. and even though my heart is lying in pieces on the ground right now and people are walking all over it i can feel that in the end love will give me a chance. Because even when love stabs you in the back and you have doubts and it hurts, it is still the greatest of feelings. and we give everything for love.. everything.

whats the rush?

I am growing up, and i am changing and it's scary. In a week i have to start at a new school.. again. except this time its different. because this time, im not going to fall for anyone, im not going to get involved, im just going to pass my exams. thats it, thats what i will be happy with. Just that. And last year, it really bothered me that i didnt seem to fit in at heles, and how uncomfortable i felt in my skin, but this year, i dont care if that happens at ridgeway, because i have my friends, i have the best friends in the world and thats where i belong, they changed my life. and i was thnking the other day how everything really does happen for a reason. and if i could go back in time, and choose whether or not to cheat on andy, i would still do it every single time, in fact, i would probably have done worse, just so he would of broken up with me sooner, and even if it meant having andy back in my life, and having things stay the same, i would still do it, because despite all the pain and the heartbreak, i am a stronger person, and i would not change one thing about my life right now.


xxx

(8)You had me at hello

I didn't want this.
I didn't want to fall for you.
I don't want to miss you when you're not around, or feel scared to lose you.
And im trying really really hard to stop myself from falling for you.
Too bad it's not working huh ? :/

xx

My life (L)

So three months ago now, i fell to pieces. I was barley breathing and i just couldn't see the point in anything anymore. I lost andy, and that meant that i lost not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, my world, my past, my future, and also a little piece of me too. And i can honestly say that losing him was the worst thing i have ever gone through. God.. you have no idea how much it hurt. No-one will ever know how much i cried, or how much it broke me inside. But everyone says that things happen for a reason, and those people are right. Because if andy hadn't of left, i would not of had the best summer of my life. And most importantly, i would not of met the people i did. People whom im so grateful for, and who i know will be in my life forever. Sam, the nicest boy i have ever met. He picks me up from town at stupid hours of the morning when im crying my eyes out, and he takes me out, and is always there to talk to and have fun with. And Nath, the funniest boy ever, he makes me laugh so much until i cant breath, and Codie.. my beautiful best friend who i can promsie you, will always mean more to me than anyone else that can possibly walk into my life.
And slowley im picking up the pieces and moving on with my life. And im not gonna lie and say it was easy, because it wasnt. It broke my fucking heart and i am never going to be the same again, but it doesnt even matter that i got hurt, because in that happening, i learnt to be a stronger person, and this summer has honenstly been the best summer of my life. Since may 16th, there has not been a single night when i have been alone. And now i know why fate threw all this heartbreak at me, becaus life wanted me to wake up and stop wasting time. And this summer, i have realise that life is terrible as well as wonderful, and loss can stab and overwhelm just as luck can delight and sparkle. I also knew, from the moment that andy left, that life cannot be controlled, and i will never be the same person again. So this is my story of lost innocence. It is about losing someone close and being betrayed by the one you love. Getting it wrong and finding your way back. It is about fighting your demons and valuing your time on the planet. It is about being a grown up, abotu taking this life in both hands and deciding how to spend it. It is to do with feeling lucky and angry and sad and knowing that people are the most irreplaable, heartbreakingly fragule and precious things in life. So bring it on, bring on all the pain and heartbreak you can throw at me, cus i promise you im gonna fight it.

xxx

The Andy Bunney Alphabet

I found this what i wrote ages ago
thought i would publish it



A is for arctic roll

B is for bacon and Bunney

C is for cuddled

D is for drawing pictures on new years eve

E is for eating lots :)

F is for fatties xD

G is for going in town

H is for hot days lazing around

I is for Isaac, what you called me when you first met me

J is for jumping around to no music

K is for kick abouts at the park. even though i never actually kicked the ball

L is for Love. we had it. and we lost it. life goes on.

M is for mummy bunney

N is for never alone

O is for ____

P is for promises made... and promises broken

Q is for ______

R is for races. at the park and ride. before we even got together

S is for singing along to every song we could find :D

T is for tantrums.. mostly on my part

U is for ____

V is for very lovelyy

W is for wanker.. sorry :L

X is for _____

Y is for you are the best thing to ever happen to me

Z is for _____

(L)Codie smith

You have given meaning to the word 'best friend'. We have so much in common and we have the best times together and you make me laugh so much, but there are a million other reasons why i love you. You are always there for me and you always know the right thing to say, and no matter what im going through, i know that i can go to you, and you will help me through it. I hoestly do no know how i would of gotten through the past few months without you, you have just completley been there for me and im so grateful for everything. From the moment you walked in to my life, i knew that nothing could ever be bad again. Because no matter what happens, and no matter how bad it is, i know that you'll be there for me. Even if i get my heart broken into pieces, i know that you'll stay up with me all night, every night till i can sleep on my own without crying, and i know if im sad you'll take me out and make me laugh again. I love the automatic hate thing we've got going on, how you always hate anyone who makes me sad, and i love how your so loyal, and how you keep all my secrets. I don;t think we will ever argue, but if we do i know that we will always make up. I can't promise you that this is going to be an easy ride, and i can;t promise you that this friendship is always going to be all fun and smiles, but i can promise you, that what we've got going on right here, is going to last forever. and i can promise you hand on my heart that you are the friend i am going to want around for life. Codie smith, i can pretty much guarantee that you will be the bridsemade at my wedding, and god mother to my children, but most of all i can promise that you will always, always be my best friend. Thank you so much for all that you have helped me through, and all that you have taught me. You have made me a stronger person and you are by far, the best thing to ever walk into my life.

My love for you is eternal.
I love you my best friend


I hope that made you cry ;)

xxxx

FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

DO YOU WANT TO STEAL ONE MORE BOY FROM ME YOU FUCKING FAT, SKANKY BITCH

:@:@:@:@

(8)take these memories that are haunting me

I remeber those days you used to hold on to me so tight and beg me never to leave you. And i remeber how we used to swear on our lives that we were forever.
But the truth is, even if i hadn't done what i did with brandon, we would not have lasted much longer anyways. We just argued too much, remeber what i said about the smiley face chart? 6 smiley faces out of 6 weeks. And i think that piece of paper stuck to my wall, just confirmed what we knew in our hearts all a long. We were never meant for do or die. and we did love each other andy bunney, i loved you with everything i was capeable of, but we just fell apart.
and i can't tell you that im not bitter about the break up, because i am. maybe if youd done it to my face, i could of forgiven you, but getting another girl to call me? that was just heartless.
and i cant tell you im happy for you and your new relationship, because im not. and its not because i miss you, its because i dont want you to be happy after everything you put me through. I cant even say that we will be friends in time because i just dont know. I gave you everything i had, and you broke my fucking heart in two, and because of you, i am never going to trust fully again, and yes i know in the future, maybe even now, i am going to fall for someone, but i dont want to give them any part of myself, because i cannot risk getting hurt again.
and you walked away so easily.. you didnt have a single scar, and you could forget everything, but me? i cant forget, no matter how hard i try. I remeber the park and ride races, i remeber november 9th, i remeber christmas and easter, and all the times in the cinema, and i remeber how you held me when i was crying. and i want to fucking forget it all.
but i promise you, you will probbaly never remeber half the things i will never forget.
and i want to move on now, because im over you, and i just wanted you to know that yes, i am angry and bitter, and pissed offf, but im not sad anymore.
you were a lovely person to me andy bunney, but your also human, and you hurt me too much.
so now i just want you to go.
please
just dont break me down anymore.
because i need to learn to be strong again, so that when the right person comes along i can love them with everything ive got.

xx

I don't want to ever need anybody again.
not in the way you need a vitamin or a good nights sleep,
more in the way you need a ciggerette or a drink

:/

We hate the people we love because they are the only one's that can hurt us.

Hospital... again

So, i had another hospital appointment today and they did some absolutley lovely things to me me.. (note the sarcasm)
however, they still coulndt find out whats wrong so i have to have MORE tests soon :(
mehh

i was very cute today though. hahahahaha. i cried the whole way through but a nice nurse held my hand :D

hahaha

xx

Maybe no-one told you there was strength in your tears

(8) living my life at 100 miles an hour

Letting go isn't about winning or losing,
it's not about pride
its not about obsessing or dwelling on the past
it isnt about loss and its not about defeat
to let go is to cherish memories but to overcome them and to move on
letting go is accepting
letting go is having the courage to accept change

Im going to admit, a while back, i was not a nice person, and i did some horrible things that i am ashamed of, and i wish i could take them back but i can't. The only thing i can do is to learn from my mistakes. And everyone says that people can't change, but thats not true, because the day that andy left, i changed for good, and for a really long time, i thought i was sad because i had lost him, but thats nto actually the reason i was unhappy. i was sad because all the time i was with him, i gave him everything, so when he left, i lost a little but of myself aswell. But ever since then, ive just got out there, and had fun and laughed. ive been out every night, and ive made new friends, and ive been having the time of my life, and im starting to realise that im going to be just fine on my own :) so yes, maybe i was a horrible person, but that was only because of the horrible relationship i was in, and trust me, im happier now than ive been for a long time :)

You change for one or two reasons,
you learn enough to want to,
or you've been hurt enough to have to.

xxx

I wonder how many times we'll say goodbye before we actually let go?

I tried, to be your friend, i did, but im just not going to put myself through it anymore. All you do is say things to hurt me, and accuse me of things that i haven't done, and try and make me feel like shit. You walked into my life almost a year ago then, and since then, all you've done is fuck me over. In some ways, you are the worst thing that ever happened to me, because you broke my down so much, and you were the shittest person i have ever known, but on the other hand, you were the best thing, because you made me strong, and when you left it made me change as a person. Karma's a bitch though, you'll get it. i promsie you that. And ive blocked your msn and im not going to reply to your texts anymore. I really thought we could make things work as friends, but im not going to put in all the effort. I'll always be here for you if you call me at 3am, but other than that i dont want you in my life. And it just makes me laugh, because yes i ALMOST cheated on you, and no im not proud, but you were just a shit person, so you can think im at fault for our relationship ending, but thats not really the case. And for the last time, no i did not steal your condoms and i pod charger. your a pathetic, low person, and im jsut happy to be away from you.
and im excited now because im getting over you, and im looking forward to meeting someone new and having a happy future with them. and im strong now. It may bother me when i see you with other girls, but thats not because i want you back. No, its because i dont want you to be happy, not after everything you put me through. Im finally over you, so here's to your future. have a good one stranger.

and i could cry with relif right now, because i know that the worst is over now. i dotn cry anymore, and im not sad, sure theres still the occasional pang when i smell lynx africa, or when i walk past your house, but thats all it is, a memory, just a story thats happened and isnt relevent anymore. So thankyou for the good times, for the laughs, and for holding me when i was scared, and for always helping me through. We were young and in love and we fucked up okay, and in a couple of years im going to look back and laugh at how trivial this all is. Im looking forward to this summer, because so far it has been the best of my life, and as for my panic attakcs? yehh im fighting through them, as always, and this time im doing it by myself. So you can leave me alone now, because im fianlly over you. and im done with all of your shit. your not using me for sex anymore, and your not gonna make me cry ever again.. all i can say is, good luck to the next girl.

But just know that i will never ever forget you.

xx

My bunney (L)

My Dearest Andy.

So latley i've been a bit down, and a bit sad because I know that it's over between us but i just wanted you to know that I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent those amazing 6 months together, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Louise.xxxx

and how do we say our goodbyes? should i laugh or should i cry?

So, its been a little while since i wrote properly, so i guess an update is in order.
So, i have to go to hospital on tuesday for some more tests, which isnt going to be nice, but at least hopefully they can get to the bottom of whats wrong with me. onthe plus side, at least its not as serious as they thought.
Im really tired at the moment though, because i've just been out every night trying to keep my mind off things, but at least on wednesday it will all be over.

Seeing Tiana's heart breaking, just made me remeber how bad it hurts, but it also made me hopefuly, because i don't feel that way anymore, my pain is healing, just as, in time, hers will. Each day is like a stepping stone for me, and im gradually healing and im learning to trust again, part of me is scared, and it's like, im afraid to be with anyone else because i dotn ever want to get hurt again, but im also excited, because falling in love is the most amazing thing and i cant wait to experiance it again :)

wish me luck for tuesday!

x

Fuck what I did was your fault somehow
Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out
Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack
Well guess what yo, fuck you right back

Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud
Fuck it, I faked it, aren't you proud
Fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back
Well guess what yo, your sex was wack

so,
i guess you wanna know what happened at the hopsital.
well, it wasnt niceee, and i had things done to me that i never want to go through again :L
haha
the good news is i dont have cancer
and i creids with relief when i heard that.
trust me, its a nice thing to hear
however, they do think i have something wrong, so i have to go back to hospital soon to have some other tests done, like cameras an stuff
will write more later :)
but yes, everything fine :) Xx

believe

i dont want to be afraid
i wanna wake up feeling beautiful today and know that im okay,
cause everones perfect in usual ways.
so see i just wanna believe in me

'Grief is like an illness. Different people respond to it in different ways, and they find different ways of treating the symptoms. It's like a virus, once its in your blood you can't fight it and there is no cure. You just have to travel with it and see where it takes you.'

When you lose someone, its hard, its really really hard. and i thought that it didnt have to be like that for me. I thought that, i could push it all out of my mind and i'd be okay. but the truth is, life hurts people, life hurts us all, and you think you can control the hurt but you cant. and being sad is nothing to be ashamed of. and i have lost a lot in this past year, and i am really sad about it, but im also really really angry.
so, when i first lost the biggest part in my life, my first thought was to get rid of any proof that he ever existed, and i most definatly did that. my second plan was to find someone who could get rid of the hurt, however, although it made it go away for a little while, i quickly learnt that healing myself, is something only i can do. and sure, it may take another month, or it may take a year before i can fully be okay again, but i will do it, and im certain of that :)
i think the truth is, it always hurts to lose, and i thought i was strong, and i could just get over it like that, but when someone lies to you, and stabs you in the fucking back and then breaks your heart after promising you so many things, you cant help but feel hurt.
and maybe i deal with grief in the wrong way, maybe being a bit of a slag, or partying too hard arent the best ways to get through it, but its MY way, and i AM getting through it, so i dont care if other people say im doing it all wrong.
and maybe, instead of keeping my mouth shut, i should be talking about it, but maybe i dont wanan talk about it. like i said, that person, did not exist as far as im concerned, so there is nothing to talk about.

so i may not be grieving in the right way, but im doing it my way
and im doing just fine.

xx

OMYGGOOOOOOOD
I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE THIS MUCH BEFORE

i guess i forgot that you make promises you cant keep.
and you take what you want and then just leave.

WHY DO I KEEP LETTING YOU USE ME?

(8)Three cheers for five years

I spent a really long time, being sad, thinking about how strongly i felt about andy.
and now, im going to spend a really long time being excited, because i know that i will feel that way about someone again.
and until that time comes, decent and honest boys are walking into my life every day and teaching me to trust again.
Whether its callum, who just taught me to laugh again,
or chris, who walked me home and taught me that its okay to open up to someone.
i just do not know whats going to happen in the future.
but im over the hurting now,
and im not sad anymore.
im just living my life.

I have to go to hospital on wednesday for some tests, so hoepfully i will find out whats wrong with me then.
just keep your fingers crossed for me:(

xx

i dont need you to be a twat
i either need you to be there for me, or i need you to fuck off
i honestly thought youd pull through for me.
but its evident that you dont care if i live or die.


im so scared :'(
i cant eat, i just dont wanna go out, and im so afraid to go to sleep.
:'(

dont forget me

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me
Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us
But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget
We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us
But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all
And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forgetI won't forget us
But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

i really really really just want someone to come wrap their arms around me right now and tell me that its going to be okay.

:'(

Whether i do have cancer, or whether i dont isnt the issue anymore.
because its woken me up.
i need to stop waiting around. i need to get out there and actually live.
you only get one life, and im ready to face everything its going to throw at me.
I dont need sympathy, all i need is my friends and my family to really pull together for me, and just pray that my test results come back negative.
and even though, there might be some horrible illness inside of me right now, taking over my body, im not going to sit here and cry about it.
because if the doctors suspicions are right, then there is nothing i can do about it.
i have to let nature take its course.
they will either be able to cure me.. or they wont.

before you think im being over dramatic, i better explain the whole situation.
for the last 6months, i havent been very well, if rather not go in to it too much, but ive put off going to the doctors for a really long time, partly because i was embarrassed and partly because i didnt want to hear what i had to say. but anyways, i went yesterday, and i listed all my symptoms, and he was pretty concerned, and along with the fact that ive lost a lot of weight, and my family history, he said he needs to urgently reffer me for tests. and here i am now.
if its not what the doctor thinks it is, then something is still very wrong, but he said we need to rule out the cancer first.

im seventeen and nothing prepared me for this.
i have honestly never felt so alone and so scared in my life.
and suddenly everything else seems so trivial.
getting broken up with by andy? yeh its nothign compared to this. trust me.
i dont need people to feel sorry for me, or walk on egg shells around me, or be any nice to me just cus this is happening, i just need support.
ad until i get my test results back, im going to carry on as normal.
keep your fingers crossed for me okay.

:'(

xx

when your told,
that you might have cancer,
i dont think there is ever a right way to react to it.
because your whole world, pretty much falls apart.

Baby i miss you :(
i didnt think i would but i do, and im just trying to be strong but its hard.
i miss the way you used to hold me when i was scared, and the way you used to talk to me when im upset,
and i just.. arg.. i miss everything.
and i just want you back.
but i dont think theres anything else i can say :/

so im gonna be strong.
move on and all that.

but i do miss you ok

i love you james :/

i sitll belong to you.

remember us in this moment
cos what i'm about to say might hurt
so try to take a mental picture
so you'd never forget the way we were
cos the truth is more then i know you can take
that's why i'll understand if you can't stay
cos i lied when i said that i don't care anymore
cos everywhere i go, everything i do
takes me right back to you, gets me right back to ya
and i tried but i don't have the strength to pretend any more
i close my eyes, put your memories alive
and i'm right back, yes i'm right back to ya
i guess i still belong to you (still belong to you)
you were right when you told methat i would regret the choice i made(deep down everything belongs to you)
but through my eyes i just couldn't see it
til the sky was turning grey(deep down everything belongs to you)
it all fell apart when i did it my way
so i'll understand if you can't stay
cos i lied when i said that i don't care anymore
cos everywhere i go, everything i do
takes me right back to you, gets me right back to ya
and i tried but i don't have the strength to pretend anymore
i close my eyes, put your memories alive
and i'm right back, yes i'm right back to ya
i guess i still belong..me coming back home is a hard pill to swallow
cos i said that i'd never need you the moment i walked away
i find you're always the one who i wanna run to
cos you're still the one i belong to(yeah you're the one i belong to)
cos i lied when i said that i don't care anymorecos everywhere i go,
everything i do takes me right back to you, gets me right back to ya
and i tried but i don't have the strength to pretend anymore
i close my eyes, put your memories alive
and i'm right back, yes i'm right back to ya
i guess i still belong to you,
i guess i still belong to you
i guess i still belong to you, i still belong to you
i guess i still belong... i still belong to you

Andy Bunney(L)

When you left, i acted like i was really strong, like i didnt care, but the truth is, i did care. You broke my fucking heart, and nothing has ever hurt that bad in my life, i didnt want to tell you that because i didnt want you to know that you hurt me, because then you'd think you had one up on me, but you did hurt me okay.
However, im over it now, and im not sad anymore. I was sad for a really long time though, and there were some days where i jsut didnt wanna get out of bed, but i forced myself to get out there and have fun, and i learnt to appreciate people more closley because no-one sticks around forever.
and i am happy that you left, because im so happy now, ive done some amazing things with my life, and ive gotten close to some amazing people. and you taught me so much, like how to be hoenst, and in my next relationship, im gonna do so good baby i promsie. im always gonna talk about my feelings and never do anythign to get back at them. so i just wanted to say thankyou for teaching me those things, and also thankyou for always being there through everything, but the truth is i would of been okay without you. when you left i had to learn how to cope with my panic attacks on my own, and it has been really really hard, but im so much stronger now.
We had a crap relationship, and we shouldt of lasted 6 months tbh, but, like, we did and i cant change that.
but thankyou, for the support, and the smiles and the memories, and the chinease etc :L
and you said youd always be there, but thats not true, because so much stuff has gone on at home since, but i didnt bother to call you cus i know you wouldnt be there.
i jsut wanted you to know im not sad anymore, more angry.. i dunno.

some reasons why im happy you left

1) (L)Codie smith. I love this girl more than life itself. she has been such an amazing friend to me, and i probly wouldnt of even met her if you hadnt left.
2) i leant to be strong.
3)im happier

so anyways, i jsut wanted you to know how happy you made me, but also how sad and angry i am too. and because you know me inside out, i think your gonna understand how hard it was for me to write this.

i hope you read this. x

I can't have it both ways
I'm sorry that I said goodbye
people say I did the right thing
but they don't have to cry
I can love you for all the things that you are
and then hate you for all the things that you're not
I want you to go,
I want you to stay
but I can't have it both ways,
I can't have it both ways


PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, I DIDNT TURN AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE I HATED YOU, AND I DIDNT WANT TO TALK TO YOU, BUT I HAD TO WALK AWAY BECAUSE I COULDNT BEAR TO SEE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME.

*Sighs* Happy 8 months init? :/
chinese and the last kiss?


im so glad i finally got over you.
because i turned my life around.
and i dont miss you.

xx

Heres to...

Here’s to being lied to. To being walked on, used, promised something and fed bullshit. Here’s to seeing the best in him, not believing that he could possibly be as awful as he turned out to be. Here's to trusting over and over and over again because you really wanted to believe that what he did was a mistake. You wanted to believe that he’s changed. He won't change. The way he was and the way he is, is the way that he always will be. If he lies to you, he doesn’t feel that you are good enough to hear the truth. If he plays you, you don’t mean enough for him to be with just you. Breaking a promise means he is okay with disappointing you. He knows what he is doing when he is doing it. He knows it will hurt you and he does it anyway. And as much as he says he does, he doesn’t really care about you. Here's to him saying he’s sorry. With him its just one of those words that he's said so many times and it doesn’t even sound like a word anymore. The only reason he is sorry is because he was caught in his lies. Excuses mean nothing. Nothing he could possibly come up with could fix what he did. Now take this as a lesson learned, let go and move on with your life…


After andy, i really really didnt wanna fall for you, because i didnt wanna trust anyone, and i didnt wanna get my heart broken. but you PROMSIED you would be there to catch me. you said forever. but im starting to learn, promsies mean fuck all. so thankyou for completley and utterly screwing me over and breaking my heart. you hurt me waaaay worse thn anything andy ever did.
karmas a bitch i guess.

:/

('.')

Thankyou.
Thnakyou for leaving me so i could learn to be strong,
you brought me to james,
so i am thankful.

&&&Jamesss, thankyou.
your changing me so much.
and i love you for it.
i have nevr had a relationship like this before.
we actually are amazing.
and i wasnt kidding when i said forever.
i could love for forever

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

jamesjamesjames

I love you.
Everytime i even think about you i get butterflies in my tummy.
You make me smile so much.
your just perfect.
and im terrified to lose you, i cant help that, and with everyone saying your a player, it isnt easy, believe me, but im gonna give you a chance, so please dont make me regret that.
you promised me you wont break my heart, so please dont.
i cant see any reason for this relationship ever ending, unless you walk. because my feelings for you are never gonna change, and we are never gonna argue, because like you already said, we talk about everything, and reassure each other so much, and we've already come across some pretty rough times, but we've worked through all of them.
and i love how understanding you are with everything im going through.
and i was scared to be in a relationship with you, because im so scared to get my heart broken, but with everything that happened last night, it just made me realise how special you are to me, and i just didnt wanan be without you anymore.
i ccan just tell that this relationship is going to be amazing
i love you my baby :)
forever and always

xxxxxxx

:D:D

James (L)
3/7/2009

i just don't wanna be without you for another day.

:D

Louise! :L somehow you have managed to get under my skin more than anyone ever did says:
well ,its not that he doesnt wanna be with me, he does, and like hes said he does, but im holding back, cus im just scared of getting hurt, even though i know im going to but like, yeh :(
- Tommy Womey Nicoley Woley ... -- Alright boyzies says:
louise.. sometimes.. you just have to go with yourself.. .. at the moment.. your mind is over powering your heart.. just go for it girl you never know. this could be the love of your life

i love you. (L)

Im okay.
Because im back in a time where bunnies are just cute little animals, and that word means nothing else to me anymore.
when people break up, you tend to spend ages getting over it, but with me, i just shut that certain person out of my life, not because i wanted to, but because i had to.
and its been two months now, and i'll tell you the truth, you did break my heart, so you got what you always wanted, to hurt me. i hope you feel like the bigger person now :)
and ive been thinking about how it was my fault , because of a certain mistake i made, but it wasnt my fault, the truth is, our relationship was breaking down anyways. we fought all the time, and the jelousy and the anger was eating me up.
so yes, i have a lot of bruises, but im hellav happy.
and now, im not just giving up.
im moving on :)
tonight when james calls me, im gonna tell him im ready.
i want to be his girl more than anything in the world.
hes so special to me, and he is living proof that when you let go of the past something better comes along.
hes so kind and understanding, and hes jsut amazing.
and i do get jelous, we both do. but its not the kind of jelousy that eats you up, its more because he means so much to me and im scared to lose him, and i tell him when im jelous, and he holds me so close and strokes my hair and says 'baby, you have nothing to be jelous over. i dont want any other girl' and it just reassures me so much.
he also tells me forever, and i dont know if im ever going to be able to fully believe that, but hey, who knows, it does happen.
some people would say its too soon, and yeah whatever, maybe, but i love james. and i want to be with him for a really,really long time.
this relationship is perfect.
and im not giving up.
i love you babyyy.
always
xxxxxxxxx

haha!

How people treat you is their karma.
how you react is yours.

I personally don't think you have a right to complain if I fall for somebody else, since that wouldn't happen if you were doing your job right in the first place.

lovelovelove

"Recently, I've come to realise there is five types of love in this world. Theres the love you have for your family, of reliability, of trust, of home Theres the love you have for your friends, of laughs, tears, and strangh, Theres the love of -how must people view love- another person, the love of love, Theres the love of a place, of somewhere different, of somewhere amazing, And then theres the last, but not least importent, love, The love of life, of the future, of the promise of happiness, and of something to live for."

theres no such thing as forever
but love me for as long as you can

(L)

i miss you.
this weekend was amazing. so thank you.
your a really special person in my life, and your the reason i still believe that true love still exists.
i want to be with you.
i want to be able to call you my own, but im scared.
just promise me that you wont break my heart and i'll be yours?

i think at the begginning, i was scared that i wasn;t over andy, but, i found some really old emails on bebo earlier, and i sat here and read them, and i was scared, because, i thought i was going to cry, or instantly miss him but.. nothing.
i mean, yes, im sad, but thats not because i miss him. im sad because i lost a big part of me.
and it doesnt matter that our relationship was shit, because it always hurts to lose.
'..so prepare yourself for the best and the last relationship you will ever have. i love you baby. forever and always'
THAT WAS A LIE.
so i think, as sad as it makes me to read those words, im more angry than anything.
and im angry, because even when you broke my fucking heart, you told me you'd be my best friend BUT THAT WAS A FUCKING LIE TOO. because you just used me for sex and then fucked off.
so thats how i know im nto missign anything.
and yes im aware i did a bad thing to you, but you gave up, and thats even worse than what i did.
we were so alive once. we walked down the road holding hands in the cold weather, and we wrote our names in the snow.. but we lost it all.
and im happy for that, because ive found something a million times better.
so im not angry anymore, or bitter, or sad, or full of regret.
im just at peace with myself.. finally.
and ive moved on now.
and im gonna carry on doing what im doing, which is forgetting you ever existed.
so unless you ever walk back into my life, this is the last time im gonna be making any refrence to you on here.
as far as im concerned, we never even had a relationship.
maybe its gonna take me a while to heal, but im over you now.
and i like james so much,
and im ready baby, im ready to be your girl.
so say that your nto gonna break my heart.
tell me we can have more amazing weekends like the one we;ve just spent together,
and i promise that im gonna love you with everything ive got.
i promise baby.
xxxx

moving on (:

I forgot how it felt to be able to spend time with someone and not argue at all.
im spending the weekend at james's and its been amazing so far.
last night, sleeping with his arms around me was magical.
and when i got scared in the night, he just held me so tight and stroked my hair and jsut talked so gently to me :)
the thing is though, i cant imagine us ever arguing, cus we always talk about everything.
and we have these really deep talks that just make me melt.
and we're so alike and we have so much in common
there's just nothing to fight about.
he's amazing
and im loving this feeling :)

xx

I love how everything is going right now.
I love how it feels to be with someone and to actually smile, and laugh and have fun.
it scares me though, because i miss you when your not around, and im getting attatched and i dont want to.
and i know you say that your not going to break my heart, but ive heard it before, and that was a lie.
you just have no idea how much i like you.
im just scared okay, and thats why im holding back.
but your so lovely, and kind, and we always talk about stuff really deeply, and your amazing when im upset :)
i just.. ahh :D

xxx

(8)cus your the one i wanna be waking up beside..

Just say you won;t break my heart, and i'll be yours.
promise me that your not gonna run away a couple of months down the line and i'll stop being scared and i'll let you hold me in your arms forever.
you have no idea how much i like you.
ive never liked anyone this much before.
and i want to be your girl more than anything in the world.
but im scared.
so jsut promise you'll look after me, and my heart,
and i promise to love you with everything i've got.

xx

(8)you better go and get your armour

I forgot how it felt to want someone so bad
to actually need someone there beside you.
you are all i ever think about
you are the first thing on my mind when i wake up, and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep
i really really want to be your girl
just give me a little bit of time okay, to sort my head out.
im scared, i cant help that.
im falling for you and its scaring me so much
because i miss you all the time, and whenever i even think about you i get butterflies in my tummy.
im not ever gonna promise forever, because i've learnt from experiance that that promise is a lie, but i could be happy with you for a really long time.
i promise to always be honest with you, and to always talk our arguments out, and to talk about the jelousy, and i promise not to ever hurt you.
but most importantly, i promise im gonna give you everything i've got.

xx

You have no idea how much i like you.
i cant explain this feeling. it just cant be put into words.
every time you look at me i just get butterflies in my tummy.
and you just make me melt inside when we have those really deep talks.
and every time you hold me in your arms i just don't want you to let me go.
i think im falling for you.
and im scared.

(8)I feel like im in a race, but i've already won first place

Sometimes, you love, you learn and you move on.
and thats okay.

Your teaching me to smile and laugh again and your slowley filling this big hole inside of me.
I love how i can tell you everything, literally everything and you never laugh or anything.
and i love how we talk about everything.
and how you hold me back at parties when you think im gonna lunge on stupid girls and beat the shit out of them! :L
i want to be with you, but im scared. and i need time and i love how you understand this.
im just scared to get my heart broken again.
i could love you for a really long time.
i can just feel it.
and i want to end up with you.
because no one has ever made me smile and laugh this much.
i dont ever want to see that change.

xx

partaaaaaayy

Possibly one of the best nights on my life.
apart from the face i only got 3 hours sleep ;)
and had to clean up sick :( yummy!
good timesss

Last night was amazing.
i slept with james's arms around me all night, and i have honestly never felt so safe in my whole life.
i like him so much.
i havent felt this way in so long.
i just get butterflies in my tummy whenever i think about him. and i just wanna be around him all the time.
eee :)
(8)somehow you have managed to get under my skin more than anyone ever did

xx

(L)jamesjamesjames

so, last night, me and james talked on the phone until the sun came up.
and i finally told him about everything.
about the panic attacks and just.. everything.
and he didnt laugh. or make me feel stupid. he just said 'next time i see you im giving you the biggst hug ever, and im gonna hold you so tight and tell you how im not going anywhere and im gonna support you'
and it just made me feel so much better knowing that i dont have to hide stuff from him.
hes just so lovely, and kind and understanding
and when hes holding me in his arms i feel so safe
hes the best thing thats happened to me in a while
and when he kisses me, its like something inside is telling me to never let him go.
and on saturday night i get to sleep wth his arms arond me, and i just know its going to be the most magical night ever :)

and as for andy, everyone told me i would start to hate him, but i didnt believe them.
they were right though.
and id rather be filled with hate, than the empty sadness ive been feeling for the last month.
im over it, and im okay :)

(8)guess what,
im having more fun,
now that we're done.

xx

i want to tell you.
i really do.
and im trying.
but its really hard.
and i get so far, and then i just stop.
just bear with me ok.

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you,
my heart was yours.
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark,
I still have these memories,
But we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real.
You said they were, what happened?
You were a priority, was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
you knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it
.Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

it all started with the park and ride races

A while back, i met a boy.
and i thought he was amazing.
and i fell for him, despite trying to stop myself.
and me and this boy, we had races in the park and ride carpark,
we sat in mcdonalds and made pictures out of 1p coins,
we had a wonderful christmas together,
and we had the funniest easter ever.
me and this boy, we played with playdough, and we sat on the swings till the sun went down,
and we had so much fun.
and i thought he'd be around forever.
but things changed, and now he's gone/
and yeah ok, i did a bad thing, and maybe if i hadnt done that we would still be together, but, the truth of it is, if we were still together, i wouldnt be half as happy as i am now.
that boy dissapeared somewhere along the way, and we didnt laugh anymore, we didnt talk and we didnt have fun.
so maybe its not such a bad thing that hes gone.
when he left, it hurt a lot, but i picked myself up, and i taught myself to smile again.
and maybe its going to take me a while to be able to forget this boy.
maybe its going to take me a while to be able to forget how he held me, and how he made things okay when everything was so wrong.
but i will forget him eventually.
and i believe that there is someone out there who can make me feel the way that he did, maybe even stronger.
maybe im stupid for thinkin this, or maybe im naive. or just maybe, hope dies last.
either way, im not sad that hes gone.
he took a piece of me with him, and i think i just need to take some time to myself to figure out how to fill this empty space inside of me.
im not hurting, but my heart is broken.
but i'd just like to say thankyou to this boy, for making me the person i am, for making me strong and teaching me how to be ok on my own.
you were the worst thing that ever happened to me, but you changed me, so at least i can take away something good from the past few months.
you broke my heart, but im nto angry anymore, or bitter.
but i just wanted to say that a month ago today, my life changed forever and im never going to be the same again./
im moving on now and im picking up the pieces.
so id like you to leave me alone please.
x

freedom

When andy first left, sams mum told me to make a list, of all the things i want to achieve, and although it may have seemed like a pretty crap idea at the time, when i look at that list now, and how many things i've ticked off, i feel so much better. I've moved schools, and i've got a job interview on thursday, and all these little things, and im just looking at my life, and im doing all these things ,and im starting to realise that i dont need andy to complete me. or any boy for that matter.
im happy, and im moving on and im smiling.
and yeah, some people may say that me moving schools is running away, but its not. i owe it to myself, to go back to where im comfortable ,and where everything is familiar and im around my friends. i dont want to have to see andy every day, i just dont.
i think i finally got what i deserved.. freedom

:)

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[c=#3197CE]Conor.[/c] VIDZONE IS AWESOME! says:
louise your never going to move on unless you just shut him out your life and not give a fuck whether he lives or dies. as much as it would hurt you'd be so much happier if he had nothing to do with you

ALL YOU DO IS MAKE ME ANGRY YOU TWAT
SO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I DONT FUCKING NEED YOU
YOUR A FUCKING LIAR AND I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU
CAN YOU NOT TAKE A HINT?
IM MOVING ON

I really really like you.
and i do find it hard to tell you.
i get so far and then i just pull back.
and im sorry for that.
i want to give you my everything but im afraid.
and i know you say you wont ever hurt me, but, ive heard that before.
but you need to know, i miss you when your not around.
And i love how nice you are, and how we take this slow, and i love how you dont ask questions. you dont ever ask where i dssapear to on a monday afternoon, or why sometimes i cook food and dont eat it all, or why i freak out at certain situations.
But i know you'd listen and hold me if i ever wanted to talk to you about it.
i do like you ok, and i promise one day im gonna say it back to you next time you tell me how much i mean to you

THIS WAS NEVER SUPPOSSED TO BE A WAR
IT WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE LOVE

JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
STAY OUT OF MY LIFE AND LET ME MOVE ON
BECAUSE IM SO MUHC HAPPIER WHEN YOUR NOT AROUND
YOU CANT JUST USE ME FOR SEX
IM WORTH MORE THAN THAT
SO JUST GO

there are reasons why your my best friend thomas davis (L)

Tom says:
and can you not see something?
Louise! :L says:
how do you mean
Tom says:
I mean everything. Can you NOT see it. Can you see what he is doing?
Louise! :L says:
no
Tom says:
Ok, he wants you for one thing. He will do anything to get that. I mean ANYTHING. He will trick you into something (like getting back together) and then have sex. He just wants you for SEX. Nothing else! He doesnt want a relationship. He knows how to get it from you, thats why he still talks to you. If he knew he couldn't, he would of fucked off as soon as you broke up. He is a typical guy.
Tom says:
They do anything for sex. What ever he says, hes lying.. doesn't matter how convincing it is. He is lying.
Louise! :L says:
but i miss him.
Louise! :L says:
and it hurts sometimes
Tom says:
You have to overcome that. You NEED to move on! I'm sorry, but you just need to know what he is doing. There is no other way of telling it. I just want to let you know why and what he is doing. You don't see it because you miss him. I see it tho, if I told scott, he will see it, if I told anyone else, they will see it. (Get the gist).
Tom says:
I'm just trying to make you happy and going back to Andy will not make you happy. It will be the same all over again. I don't want that, and I wouldn't imagine you would either. Why would you want to be in a relationship which you argue and get jealous all the time? You want a relationship where you are happy, have a great time with eacohother, it should be the best thing. No arguing. Nothing.
Tom says:
Going back with andy is NOT that.

Tom says:
He does to meet up to have sex. Beleive me. Hes a guy. Fun = Sex. He knows how to get to you and use you now.. Dont fall for it. He is lying. Gareentee that. Don't even how temping it is, just don't. Please move on. I'm just trying to do the best for you. Trying to make you happy. Going back to him will not be good, basically.

(L)Jordan Ivey

Louise! :L says:
can i ask you a question?
- Jord Lyddd. says:
okk
Louise! :L says:
after all the times i hurt you, and all the shit i put you through. why did you take me back a year ago?
- Jord Lyddd. says:
cas i loved you still obvs
Louise! :L says:
but i hurt you so much, and you still forgave me. why? i dont think i could do it. and andy obviously cant, and what me and him went through wasnt half as bad as what i did to you, and yet he still wont forgive and forget.
- Jord Lyddd. says:
obviously he doesnt love you then
Louise! :L says:
so, your saying, that if he really loved me, then hed ignore what his friends say, and forget what i did and make a fresh start with me? and because hes not doing that, he doesnt love me and i should just move on and find a lovely boy who will treat me right
- Jord Lyddd. says:
yeh, thats right
- Jord Lyddd. says:
Look, when you really love someone, you forgive them for anything. Love is all about being able to see the best in people. It's about being able to love them despite how much they hurt you. You did something to andy, which hurt him, but the point is, and this is what you have to realise, even though you were wrong, he's been a bigger twat than you were because he wont take you back. You will find someone better i promise you. Now, take this as a lesson learned. Forget him. Pick up the pieces and move on with your life. Because you don't need him.

just a boy

Im starting to realise that he's just a boy
a special one maybe
but he's not mine
and i can;t do things to make him love me.
if he wanted to, he would.

Before the storm

I know this isn't what I wanted
I never thought it come this far
Just thinking back to where we started
And how we lost all that we are
We were young and times were easy
But I could see it's not the same
I'm standing here but you don't see me
I'd give it all for that to change
And I don't want to lose her
Don't wanna let her go
Just standing out in the rain
I need to know if it's over,
because I would leave you alone
Flooded with all this pain knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm
Before the storm
With every strike of lighten
Comes a memory that lasts
And not a word is left unspoken
As the thunder starts to crash
And maybe I should give up
Just standing out in the rain
I need to know if it's over,
because I would leave you alone
Flooded with all this pain knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm
Trying to keep from lights are going out
And the clouds from ripping out my broken heart
We always say
A heart is not a whole without the one who gets you through the storm
Just standing out in the rain
Knowing that's it really over,
please don't leave me alone
Flooded with all this pain
knowing that I'll never hold you
Like I did before the storm
Yeah Like I did before the storm

I cried today.
Not because i miss you.
But because i realised im gonna be alright without you.

My sister (L)

Louise! says:
I know you hate me for making andy leave, and im really really sorry :'(
Lucy! BABYYY says:
WTF? Lu. I dont hate you for making him go. HE was the one that left YOU. That KNOB left you broken and i was the 1 who had to pick up the pieces, so its him im mad at for that, not you.Sure, you did a bad thing, but he didn't stick around long enough to work it out.
Lucy! BABYYYsays:
Im mad at you, because your still letting him use you. Your letting him take advantage of him,and he knows he can because he knows you still love him. So STOP being so stupid. I hope we never have to see him again, so shut him out. please. do it for me. i dont want to see you sad anymore.
Lucy! BABYYY says:
How about James?
Louise! says:
:( i like him, but, im scared to be happy.
Lucy! BABYYY says:
Well, i like him and i would be quite happy if the two of you get married.
Louise! says:
But im scared of you liking him, i dont want you to get close to him :(
Lucy! BABYYY says:
Luuuuuuu. i'll be fine. im NOT sad that andy is gone,. because of how he hurt you. So just do the right thing and make yourself happy. ok?!!!!!

The past is done.
Its unchangeable
Move on

Everyone is taught to look both ways before crossing the street and to talk quietly in the libary.
But no-one ever learns anything that matters.
Like how to keep breathing when your heart breaks in two.

Haven't you got it by now?
I hate you and i dont want you in my life.
leave me the fuck alone.

(8)its alright, its ok. im so much better without you..

You asked me to fight for you.
And i did.
I fought for a really long time.
But it got to the point where i realised, there's no point in fighting with thin air.

I think the only reason i got over andy so quick, was because i refused to let myself sit around and get sad about it. whereas with jordan, i used to listen to sad songs and go places that reminded me of him, but with andy, i completley shut him out. nothing reminds me of him anymore. the past three weeks have been the best three weeks of my life. ive done so many new things, and yeah ive been scared but, ive done it. i forced myself to get out there and meet new people and take chances, because ive got nothing to hold me back. And ive planned so much for this summer, so i always have something to look forward too. the next few weeks involve, beach camping, parties, STRIPPERS! oh yeah haha and just meeting a lot of new people :)
ive already met some people who make me smile, but i know im not ready for anythign seriosu yet, but that jsut proves that in the future, theres always gonna be someone. im not gonna be alone forever.
when he first ended it, i thought it was the end of the world, but tbh, a lot more good things came out of it than bad.
1.it made me stronger. i had to do things on my own, andy was lways there for me when i had my little 'funny turns' but i learnt to cope with it an im doing jsut fine.
2. it brought me hellavu lot closer to my friends. sam has been amazing the past few weeks. and as for all my ladsss, we've had so much fun haha. runnin naked around a field has never felt so good ;)
3.it taught me everything i want my future guy to be. everything that he wasnt.
4.it taught me to be honest.

so you see, its not the end of the world. its jsut the begginning. so heres to the summer, and fun, and friendship.
pictures of partying comign soon!

xxx

I swear to god if you marry him im moving out.
im not even joking.
thanks mum. thanks a lot for choosing him over us.

Mannnnnn.
First dates make me so nervous.
Seriously. Im so nervous i could throw up :L

It's weird how three weeks ago i thought my world was ending, and now im starting to realise that its only just begginning. The past week has been amazing ever since i got back off holiday. Ive been meeting so many new people, and seeing all my friends, and we've been beach etc so much, my legs are hurting from all the walking lol! I think its fiannly at the point, where ive realised, that my relationship wasnt working and it was going to end soon enough anyway. we had a good run, but we werent very well suited for each other. all we did was argue. Im just ready to get out there again, and find someone. when its real, its forever. and i dont know if im going to be 17, or 27 before i find the one who im gonna stick with forever, but i know that i eventually will find him. Im just looking forward to this summer. all the parties, and the beach, and the having fun. staying at toms and staying up waaaay too late watching films :L good times.

So, wish me luck on my dateee, i'll keep you posted ;) :L haha

and.. and.. and... im going travelling soon ! :L
amsterdamm in 8 weeks.
then.
Greece. Paris. London. Malta. New york. New england. Spainn

:L:L

xx

(8)Not giving up, just moving on.

Louise may of met a boy.
and she thinks she likes this boy a little bit.
because he gives her butterflies in her tummy and he makes her smile a lot.
shes scared though.
she wants to give him everything she;s got, and really open up to him, but shes so afrad to get her heart broken.
and she just doesnt know what to do.

So, i cried for about three days straight, and then i begged him to take me back.
and then i got over it.
i dont know why but i get over break ups really quickly.
now im just angry tbh and i dont care if i ever see him again.
relatiosnhips are about faith, and andy never believed i could change.
thats pathetic. so i cant wait till i get another boyfriend and i can just love him with everythign ive got and be perfect for ihm
id never ever cheat again
and you know what
jordan was a waaay better boyfriend than andy
just to clarify :)

im louise
im single
and im gonna be just fineee :)

xxxxxxx

I'd be on my knees right now if i thought it would bring you home.
i literally haven't stopepd crying since saturday.
im fine when im out, but i come home, and im all on my own, and i literally collapse and i cry so hard.
i cry loud, and you can probably hear my heart breaking a few miles down the road.
The worst part is, i know it was my fault.
i just want this to go away.
i cant wait until the part comes when i start to hate him.
im pretty sure its gonna come around soon
beats the being sad right?

xxx

I CHEATED ON ANDY
yeah thats right, i cheated on my baby, and thats why i dont expect anyone to have any sympathy for me. I did a bad thing, and he left and i got what i deserved.
But i know im not missign anything, because love.. true love, thats when you can still love someone through all the times they hurt you. Ture love is when, even though someone completley fucks you over and breaks your heart in two, you can still love them with all the little pieces.
and me and andy obviously didnt have that.
so im nto sad about it. because i know in time im gonna find someone so much better. someone who will love me no matter what.
I know i did a bad thing, and i honestly thought id learnt when i cheated on jordan, and i didnt wanan be that girl.
but i guess i am.
now im jsut gonna get the fuck on with my life.
im gonna be alright :)

xxxx

Alone and scared

When andy left me, i thought that i had nothing.
But thats not true is it?
It's not that i have nothing now, i just dont have andy.
And this, hurts like hell. i have never felt anything so bad, but it will go away.
i know it will.
im just gonna stand up strong and fight like hell.
ive got my friends around me, people are really coming through for me
im gonna be ok :)
i promise

'When your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure your still alive, because you are, and that pain that you feel.. thats life. The confusion and fear, thats there to remind you that somewhere out there is somethign better, and that something is worth fighting for'

I cant help it
i hate this relatinship right now

How about a happy post for a change? :L

So, how about a happy post for a change?
Well, me and my baby had a bit of a rough patch, and it really wasn't easy, and to be honest, i didn;t think we'd make it, i thought we'd come to the end of our time together, and it made me really sad.
But then we had this massive deep talk, and we made compromises and we just made things so much better, and right now we are absolutley PERFECT. I'd like to see anyone try and break us now.
and yess i know we are still going to have fights in the future, and we;re still going to get insanley mad at each other, but i dont think that the hate is going to take over this time.
I love andy, he's my everyhting.

(8)This time we're not giving up, lets make this last forever..

i love you, my baby... Im in love with you.
For now, For ever, and For always
xxxxxxxxxxx

I CANT DO IT ANYMORE
AND IM NTO GOING TO CUS IT HURTS TOO MUCH
I JUST NEED TO CHANGE AND MAKE THINGS BETTERR
EUGGGH I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO COME WRAP THEIR ARMS AROUND ME AND HOLD ME SO TIGHT AND TELL ME ITS ALL GONNA BE ALRIGHT.
I JSUT NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND/

my baby

I love my amazing perfect boyfriend SO MUCH!!
and yess we fight sometimes but we always make up because we are so perfect.
i dont ever want any other boy.
i just want him!
hes sooo niceeee
and omgg i love him

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fuck you

You know what andy.
fuck it.
im not going to make fucking compromises with you if you wont do the fucking same.
your so over protective and you wont let me do anything.
but its alright for you to go to the phoenix with girl mates.

FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU

My baby

My beautiful baby.
Im so sorry for everything.
I promise im gonna make things better.
Its really hard but i promise im going to try and talk to you about my feelings instead of getting mad
i promise okay
i love you too much to ever lose you

I LOVE YOU.

I don't know what im suppossed to do anymore.
I love you, Andy, i do but i can't deal with it anymore.
You just hurt me too much.
And just think, if your single, then you can actually go and have sex with Lauren.
and i wont be in your way.
I know you like her, so i dont even know why you bother denying it.
Just leave, please.
Leave and spare me the heartbreak.

:'(