(L)

i miss you.
this weekend was amazing. so thank you.
your a really special person in my life, and your the reason i still believe that true love still exists.
i want to be with you.
i want to be able to call you my own, but im scared.
just promise me that you wont break my heart and i'll be yours?

i think at the begginning, i was scared that i wasn;t over andy, but, i found some really old emails on bebo earlier, and i sat here and read them, and i was scared, because, i thought i was going to cry, or instantly miss him but.. nothing.
i mean, yes, im sad, but thats not because i miss him. im sad because i lost a big part of me.
and it doesnt matter that our relationship was shit, because it always hurts to lose.
'..so prepare yourself for the best and the last relationship you will ever have. i love you baby. forever and always'
THAT WAS A LIE.
so i think, as sad as it makes me to read those words, im more angry than anything.
and im angry, because even when you broke my fucking heart, you told me you'd be my best friend BUT THAT WAS A FUCKING LIE TOO. because you just used me for sex and then fucked off.
so thats how i know im nto missign anything.
and yes im aware i did a bad thing to you, but you gave up, and thats even worse than what i did.
we were so alive once. we walked down the road holding hands in the cold weather, and we wrote our names in the snow.. but we lost it all.
and im happy for that, because ive found something a million times better.
so im not angry anymore, or bitter, or sad, or full of regret.
im just at peace with myself.. finally.
and ive moved on now.
and im gonna carry on doing what im doing, which is forgetting you ever existed.
so unless you ever walk back into my life, this is the last time im gonna be making any refrence to you on here.
as far as im concerned, we never even had a relationship.
maybe its gonna take me a while to heal, but im over you now.
and i like james so much,
and im ready baby, im ready to be your girl.
so say that your nto gonna break my heart.
tell me we can have more amazing weekends like the one we;ve just spent together,
and i promise that im gonna love you with everything ive got.
i promise baby.
xxxx

moving on (:

I forgot how it felt to be able to spend time with someone and not argue at all.
im spending the weekend at james's and its been amazing so far.
last night, sleeping with his arms around me was magical.
and when i got scared in the night, he just held me so tight and stroked my hair and jsut talked so gently to me :)
the thing is though, i cant imagine us ever arguing, cus we always talk about everything.
and we have these really deep talks that just make me melt.
and we're so alike and we have so much in common
there's just nothing to fight about.
he's amazing
and im loving this feeling :)

xx

I love how everything is going right now.
I love how it feels to be with someone and to actually smile, and laugh and have fun.
it scares me though, because i miss you when your not around, and im getting attatched and i dont want to.
and i know you say that your not going to break my heart, but ive heard it before, and that was a lie.
you just have no idea how much i like you.
im just scared okay, and thats why im holding back.
but your so lovely, and kind, and we always talk about stuff really deeply, and your amazing when im upset :)
i just.. ahh :D

xxx

(8)cus your the one i wanna be waking up beside..

Just say you won;t break my heart, and i'll be yours.
promise me that your not gonna run away a couple of months down the line and i'll stop being scared and i'll let you hold me in your arms forever.
you have no idea how much i like you.
ive never liked anyone this much before.
and i want to be your girl more than anything in the world.
but im scared.
so jsut promise you'll look after me, and my heart,
and i promise to love you with everything i've got.

xx

(8)you better go and get your armour

I forgot how it felt to want someone so bad
to actually need someone there beside you.
you are all i ever think about
you are the first thing on my mind when i wake up, and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep
i really really want to be your girl
just give me a little bit of time okay, to sort my head out.
im scared, i cant help that.
im falling for you and its scaring me so much
because i miss you all the time, and whenever i even think about you i get butterflies in my tummy.
im not ever gonna promise forever, because i've learnt from experiance that that promise is a lie, but i could be happy with you for a really long time.
i promise to always be honest with you, and to always talk our arguments out, and to talk about the jelousy, and i promise not to ever hurt you.
but most importantly, i promise im gonna give you everything i've got.

xx

You have no idea how much i like you.
i cant explain this feeling. it just cant be put into words.
every time you look at me i just get butterflies in my tummy.
and you just make me melt inside when we have those really deep talks.
and every time you hold me in your arms i just don't want you to let me go.
i think im falling for you.
and im scared.

(8)I feel like im in a race, but i've already won first place

Sometimes, you love, you learn and you move on.
and thats okay.

Your teaching me to smile and laugh again and your slowley filling this big hole inside of me.
I love how i can tell you everything, literally everything and you never laugh or anything.
and i love how we talk about everything.
and how you hold me back at parties when you think im gonna lunge on stupid girls and beat the shit out of them! :L
i want to be with you, but im scared. and i need time and i love how you understand this.
im just scared to get my heart broken again.
i could love you for a really long time.
i can just feel it.
and i want to end up with you.
because no one has ever made me smile and laugh this much.
i dont ever want to see that change.

xx

partaaaaaayy

Possibly one of the best nights on my life.
apart from the face i only got 3 hours sleep ;)
and had to clean up sick :( yummy!
good timesss

Last night was amazing.
i slept with james's arms around me all night, and i have honestly never felt so safe in my whole life.
i like him so much.
i havent felt this way in so long.
i just get butterflies in my tummy whenever i think about him. and i just wanna be around him all the time.
eee :)
(8)somehow you have managed to get under my skin more than anyone ever did

xx

(L)jamesjamesjames

so, last night, me and james talked on the phone until the sun came up.
and i finally told him about everything.
about the panic attacks and just.. everything.
and he didnt laugh. or make me feel stupid. he just said 'next time i see you im giving you the biggst hug ever, and im gonna hold you so tight and tell you how im not going anywhere and im gonna support you'
and it just made me feel so much better knowing that i dont have to hide stuff from him.
hes just so lovely, and kind and understanding
and when hes holding me in his arms i feel so safe
hes the best thing thats happened to me in a while
and when he kisses me, its like something inside is telling me to never let him go.
and on saturday night i get to sleep wth his arms arond me, and i just know its going to be the most magical night ever :)

and as for andy, everyone told me i would start to hate him, but i didnt believe them.
they were right though.
and id rather be filled with hate, than the empty sadness ive been feeling for the last month.
im over it, and im okay :)

(8)guess what,
im having more fun,
now that we're done.

xx

i want to tell you.
i really do.
and im trying.
but its really hard.
and i get so far, and then i just stop.
just bear with me ok.

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you,
my heart was yours.
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark,
I still have these memories,
But we'll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish I'd have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real.
You said they were, what happened?
You were a priority, was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
you knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm sorry that wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember the things I've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it
.Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?

it all started with the park and ride races

A while back, i met a boy.
and i thought he was amazing.
and i fell for him, despite trying to stop myself.
and me and this boy, we had races in the park and ride carpark,
we sat in mcdonalds and made pictures out of 1p coins,
we had a wonderful christmas together,
and we had the funniest easter ever.
me and this boy, we played with playdough, and we sat on the swings till the sun went down,
and we had so much fun.
and i thought he'd be around forever.
but things changed, and now he's gone/
and yeah ok, i did a bad thing, and maybe if i hadnt done that we would still be together, but, the truth of it is, if we were still together, i wouldnt be half as happy as i am now.
that boy dissapeared somewhere along the way, and we didnt laugh anymore, we didnt talk and we didnt have fun.
so maybe its not such a bad thing that hes gone.
when he left, it hurt a lot, but i picked myself up, and i taught myself to smile again.
and maybe its going to take me a while to be able to forget this boy.
maybe its going to take me a while to be able to forget how he held me, and how he made things okay when everything was so wrong.
but i will forget him eventually.
and i believe that there is someone out there who can make me feel the way that he did, maybe even stronger.
maybe im stupid for thinkin this, or maybe im naive. or just maybe, hope dies last.
either way, im not sad that hes gone.
he took a piece of me with him, and i think i just need to take some time to myself to figure out how to fill this empty space inside of me.
im not hurting, but my heart is broken.
but i'd just like to say thankyou to this boy, for making me the person i am, for making me strong and teaching me how to be ok on my own.
you were the worst thing that ever happened to me, but you changed me, so at least i can take away something good from the past few months.
you broke my heart, but im nto angry anymore, or bitter.
but i just wanted to say that a month ago today, my life changed forever and im never going to be the same again./
im moving on now and im picking up the pieces.
so id like you to leave me alone please.
x

freedom

When andy first left, sams mum told me to make a list, of all the things i want to achieve, and although it may have seemed like a pretty crap idea at the time, when i look at that list now, and how many things i've ticked off, i feel so much better. I've moved schools, and i've got a job interview on thursday, and all these little things, and im just looking at my life, and im doing all these things ,and im starting to realise that i dont need andy to complete me. or any boy for that matter.
im happy, and im moving on and im smiling.
and yeah, some people may say that me moving schools is running away, but its not. i owe it to myself, to go back to where im comfortable ,and where everything is familiar and im around my friends. i dont want to have to see andy every day, i just dont.
i think i finally got what i deserved.. freedom

:)

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[c=#3197CE]Conor.[/c] VIDZONE IS AWESOME! says:
louise your never going to move on unless you just shut him out your life and not give a fuck whether he lives or dies. as much as it would hurt you'd be so much happier if he had nothing to do with you

ALL YOU DO IS MAKE ME ANGRY YOU TWAT
SO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE BECAUSE I DONT FUCKING NEED YOU
YOUR A FUCKING LIAR AND I DONT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU
CAN YOU NOT TAKE A HINT?
IM MOVING ON

I really really like you.
and i do find it hard to tell you.
i get so far and then i just pull back.
and im sorry for that.
i want to give you my everything but im afraid.
and i know you say you wont ever hurt me, but, ive heard that before.
but you need to know, i miss you when your not around.
And i love how nice you are, and how we take this slow, and i love how you dont ask questions. you dont ever ask where i dssapear to on a monday afternoon, or why sometimes i cook food and dont eat it all, or why i freak out at certain situations.
But i know you'd listen and hold me if i ever wanted to talk to you about it.
i do like you ok, and i promise one day im gonna say it back to you next time you tell me how much i mean to you

THIS WAS NEVER SUPPOSSED TO BE A WAR
IT WAS SUPPOSSED TO BE LOVE

JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE
STAY OUT OF MY LIFE AND LET ME MOVE ON
BECAUSE IM SO MUHC HAPPIER WHEN YOUR NOT AROUND
YOU CANT JUST USE ME FOR SEX
IM WORTH MORE THAN THAT
SO JUST GO

there are reasons why your my best friend thomas davis (L)

Tom says:
and can you not see something?
Louise! :L says:
how do you mean
Tom says:
I mean everything. Can you NOT see it. Can you see what he is doing?
Louise! :L says:
no
Tom says:
Ok, he wants you for one thing. He will do anything to get that. I mean ANYTHING. He will trick you into something (like getting back together) and then have sex. He just wants you for SEX. Nothing else! He doesnt want a relationship. He knows how to get it from you, thats why he still talks to you. If he knew he couldn't, he would of fucked off as soon as you broke up. He is a typical guy.
Tom says:
They do anything for sex. What ever he says, hes lying.. doesn't matter how convincing it is. He is lying.
Louise! :L says:
but i miss him.
Louise! :L says:
and it hurts sometimes
Tom says:
You have to overcome that. You NEED to move on! I'm sorry, but you just need to know what he is doing. There is no other way of telling it. I just want to let you know why and what he is doing. You don't see it because you miss him. I see it tho, if I told scott, he will see it, if I told anyone else, they will see it. (Get the gist).
Tom says:
I'm just trying to make you happy and going back to Andy will not make you happy. It will be the same all over again. I don't want that, and I wouldn't imagine you would either. Why would you want to be in a relationship which you argue and get jealous all the time? You want a relationship where you are happy, have a great time with eacohother, it should be the best thing. No arguing. Nothing.
Tom says:
Going back with andy is NOT that.

Tom says:
He does to meet up to have sex. Beleive me. Hes a guy. Fun = Sex. He knows how to get to you and use you now.. Dont fall for it. He is lying. Gareentee that. Don't even how temping it is, just don't. Please move on. I'm just trying to do the best for you. Trying to make you happy. Going back to him will not be good, basically.

(L)Jordan Ivey

Louise! :L says:
can i ask you a question?
- Jord Lyddd. says:
okk
Louise! :L says:
after all the times i hurt you, and all the shit i put you through. why did you take me back a year ago?
- Jord Lyddd. says:
cas i loved you still obvs
Louise! :L says:
but i hurt you so much, and you still forgave me. why? i dont think i could do it. and andy obviously cant, and what me and him went through wasnt half as bad as what i did to you, and yet he still wont forgive and forget.
- Jord Lyddd. says:
obviously he doesnt love you then
Louise! :L says:
so, your saying, that if he really loved me, then hed ignore what his friends say, and forget what i did and make a fresh start with me? and because hes not doing that, he doesnt love me and i should just move on and find a lovely boy who will treat me right
- Jord Lyddd. says:
yeh, thats right
- Jord Lyddd. says:
Look, when you really love someone, you forgive them for anything. Love is all about being able to see the best in people. It's about being able to love them despite how much they hurt you. You did something to andy, which hurt him, but the point is, and this is what you have to realise, even though you were wrong, he's been a bigger twat than you were because he wont take you back. You will find someone better i promise you. Now, take this as a lesson learned. Forget him. Pick up the pieces and move on with your life. Because you don't need him.

just a boy

Im starting to realise that he's just a boy
a special one maybe
but he's not mine
and i can;t do things to make him love me.
if he wanted to, he would.

Before the storm

I know this isn't what I wanted
I never thought it come this far
Just thinking back to where we started
And how we lost all that we are
We were young and times were easy
But I could see it's not the same
I'm standing here but you don't see me
I'd give it all for that to change
And I don't want to lose her
Don't wanna let her go
Just standing out in the rain
I need to know if it's over,
because I would leave you alone
Flooded with all this pain knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm
Before the storm
With every strike of lighten
Comes a memory that lasts
And not a word is left unspoken
As the thunder starts to crash
And maybe I should give up
Just standing out in the rain
I need to know if it's over,
because I would leave you alone
Flooded with all this pain knowing that I'll never hold her
Like I did before the storm
Trying to keep from lights are going out
And the clouds from ripping out my broken heart
We always say
A heart is not a whole without the one who gets you through the storm
Just standing out in the rain
Knowing that's it really over,
please don't leave me alone
Flooded with all this pain
knowing that I'll never hold you
Like I did before the storm
Yeah Like I did before the storm

I cried today.
Not because i miss you.
But because i realised im gonna be alright without you.

My sister (L)

Louise! says:
I know you hate me for making andy leave, and im really really sorry :'(
Lucy! BABYYY says:
WTF? Lu. I dont hate you for making him go. HE was the one that left YOU. That KNOB left you broken and i was the 1 who had to pick up the pieces, so its him im mad at for that, not you.Sure, you did a bad thing, but he didn't stick around long enough to work it out.
Lucy! BABYYYsays:
Im mad at you, because your still letting him use you. Your letting him take advantage of him,and he knows he can because he knows you still love him. So STOP being so stupid. I hope we never have to see him again, so shut him out. please. do it for me. i dont want to see you sad anymore.
Lucy! BABYYY says:
How about James?
Louise! says:
:( i like him, but, im scared to be happy.
Lucy! BABYYY says:
Well, i like him and i would be quite happy if the two of you get married.
Louise! says:
But im scared of you liking him, i dont want you to get close to him :(
Lucy! BABYYY says:
Luuuuuuu. i'll be fine. im NOT sad that andy is gone,. because of how he hurt you. So just do the right thing and make yourself happy. ok?!!!!!

The past is done.
Its unchangeable
Move on

Everyone is taught to look both ways before crossing the street and to talk quietly in the libary.
But no-one ever learns anything that matters.
Like how to keep breathing when your heart breaks in two.

Haven't you got it by now?
I hate you and i dont want you in my life.
leave me the fuck alone.

(8)its alright, its ok. im so much better without you..

You asked me to fight for you.
And i did.
I fought for a really long time.
But it got to the point where i realised, there's no point in fighting with thin air.

I think the only reason i got over andy so quick, was because i refused to let myself sit around and get sad about it. whereas with jordan, i used to listen to sad songs and go places that reminded me of him, but with andy, i completley shut him out. nothing reminds me of him anymore. the past three weeks have been the best three weeks of my life. ive done so many new things, and yeah ive been scared but, ive done it. i forced myself to get out there and meet new people and take chances, because ive got nothing to hold me back. And ive planned so much for this summer, so i always have something to look forward too. the next few weeks involve, beach camping, parties, STRIPPERS! oh yeah haha and just meeting a lot of new people :)
ive already met some people who make me smile, but i know im not ready for anythign seriosu yet, but that jsut proves that in the future, theres always gonna be someone. im not gonna be alone forever.
when he first ended it, i thought it was the end of the world, but tbh, a lot more good things came out of it than bad.
1.it made me stronger. i had to do things on my own, andy was lways there for me when i had my little 'funny turns' but i learnt to cope with it an im doing jsut fine.
2. it brought me hellavu lot closer to my friends. sam has been amazing the past few weeks. and as for all my ladsss, we've had so much fun haha. runnin naked around a field has never felt so good ;)
3.it taught me everything i want my future guy to be. everything that he wasnt.
4.it taught me to be honest.

so you see, its not the end of the world. its jsut the begginning. so heres to the summer, and fun, and friendship.
pictures of partying comign soon!

xxx

I swear to god if you marry him im moving out.
im not even joking.
thanks mum. thanks a lot for choosing him over us.

Mannnnnn.
First dates make me so nervous.
Seriously. Im so nervous i could throw up :L

It's weird how three weeks ago i thought my world was ending, and now im starting to realise that its only just begginning. The past week has been amazing ever since i got back off holiday. Ive been meeting so many new people, and seeing all my friends, and we've been beach etc so much, my legs are hurting from all the walking lol! I think its fiannly at the point, where ive realised, that my relationship wasnt working and it was going to end soon enough anyway. we had a good run, but we werent very well suited for each other. all we did was argue. Im just ready to get out there again, and find someone. when its real, its forever. and i dont know if im going to be 17, or 27 before i find the one who im gonna stick with forever, but i know that i eventually will find him. Im just looking forward to this summer. all the parties, and the beach, and the having fun. staying at toms and staying up waaaay too late watching films :L good times.

So, wish me luck on my dateee, i'll keep you posted ;) :L haha

and.. and.. and... im going travelling soon ! :L
amsterdamm in 8 weeks.
then.
Greece. Paris. London. Malta. New york. New england. Spainn

:L:L

xx

(8)Not giving up, just moving on.

Louise may of met a boy.
and she thinks she likes this boy a little bit.
because he gives her butterflies in her tummy and he makes her smile a lot.
shes scared though.
she wants to give him everything she;s got, and really open up to him, but shes so afrad to get her heart broken.
and she just doesnt know what to do.

So, i cried for about three days straight, and then i begged him to take me back.
and then i got over it.
i dont know why but i get over break ups really quickly.
now im just angry tbh and i dont care if i ever see him again.
relatiosnhips are about faith, and andy never believed i could change.
thats pathetic. so i cant wait till i get another boyfriend and i can just love him with everythign ive got and be perfect for ihm
id never ever cheat again
and you know what
jordan was a waaay better boyfriend than andy
just to clarify :)

im louise
im single
and im gonna be just fineee :)

xxxxxxx

I'd be on my knees right now if i thought it would bring you home.
i literally haven't stopepd crying since saturday.
im fine when im out, but i come home, and im all on my own, and i literally collapse and i cry so hard.
i cry loud, and you can probably hear my heart breaking a few miles down the road.
The worst part is, i know it was my fault.
i just want this to go away.
i cant wait until the part comes when i start to hate him.
im pretty sure its gonna come around soon
beats the being sad right?

xxx

I CHEATED ON ANDY
yeah thats right, i cheated on my baby, and thats why i dont expect anyone to have any sympathy for me. I did a bad thing, and he left and i got what i deserved.
But i know im not missign anything, because love.. true love, thats when you can still love someone through all the times they hurt you. Ture love is when, even though someone completley fucks you over and breaks your heart in two, you can still love them with all the little pieces.
and me and andy obviously didnt have that.
so im nto sad about it. because i know in time im gonna find someone so much better. someone who will love me no matter what.
I know i did a bad thing, and i honestly thought id learnt when i cheated on jordan, and i didnt wanan be that girl.
but i guess i am.
now im jsut gonna get the fuck on with my life.
im gonna be alright :)

xxxx

Alone and scared

When andy left me, i thought that i had nothing.
But thats not true is it?
It's not that i have nothing now, i just dont have andy.
And this, hurts like hell. i have never felt anything so bad, but it will go away.
i know it will.
im just gonna stand up strong and fight like hell.
ive got my friends around me, people are really coming through for me
im gonna be ok :)
i promise

'When your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure your still alive, because you are, and that pain that you feel.. thats life. The confusion and fear, thats there to remind you that somewhere out there is somethign better, and that something is worth fighting for'

I cant help it
i hate this relatinship right now

How about a happy post for a change? :L

So, how about a happy post for a change?
Well, me and my baby had a bit of a rough patch, and it really wasn't easy, and to be honest, i didn;t think we'd make it, i thought we'd come to the end of our time together, and it made me really sad.
But then we had this massive deep talk, and we made compromises and we just made things so much better, and right now we are absolutley PERFECT. I'd like to see anyone try and break us now.
and yess i know we are still going to have fights in the future, and we;re still going to get insanley mad at each other, but i dont think that the hate is going to take over this time.
I love andy, he's my everyhting.

(8)This time we're not giving up, lets make this last forever..

i love you, my baby... Im in love with you.
For now, For ever, and For always
xxxxxxxxxxx

I CANT DO IT ANYMORE
AND IM NTO GOING TO CUS IT HURTS TOO MUCH
I JUST NEED TO CHANGE AND MAKE THINGS BETTERR
EUGGGH I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO COME WRAP THEIR ARMS AROUND ME AND HOLD ME SO TIGHT AND TELL ME ITS ALL GONNA BE ALRIGHT.
I JSUT NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND/

my baby

I love my amazing perfect boyfriend SO MUCH!!
and yess we fight sometimes but we always make up because we are so perfect.
i dont ever want any other boy.
i just want him!
hes sooo niceeee
and omgg i love him

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

fuck you

You know what andy.
fuck it.
im not going to make fucking compromises with you if you wont do the fucking same.
your so over protective and you wont let me do anything.
but its alright for you to go to the phoenix with girl mates.

FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU

My baby

My beautiful baby.
Im so sorry for everything.
I promise im gonna make things better.
Its really hard but i promise im going to try and talk to you about my feelings instead of getting mad
i promise okay
i love you too much to ever lose you

I LOVE YOU.

I don't know what im suppossed to do anymore.
I love you, Andy, i do but i can't deal with it anymore.
You just hurt me too much.
And just think, if your single, then you can actually go and have sex with Lauren.
and i wont be in your way.
I know you like her, so i dont even know why you bother denying it.
Just leave, please.
Leave and spare me the heartbreak.

:'(

arg :@

ARG I FUCKING HATE YOU,
YOU STUPID TWAT
JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE
YOUR THE SHITTEST BOYFRIEND IVE EVER HAD
YOU WANKER
ALL YOU DO IS FUCKING HURT ME
FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

panic attacks

With everything going on latley, im having to really dig deep inside me and remember alot of things that i don't really want to remember. Im having to look right back into my past and allow myself to feel things that i havent felt in such a long time.
And its just funny that the decisions you make really do decide who your going to be.
Like, maybe if id never moved to heles, i wouldnt of had these panic attacks, but then again i wouldnt of met andy, so its a small price to pay.
But if i hadnt had them. maybe i wouldnt be looking back so far and in doing so, im figutring out alot of things about myself that i once forgot.
im gonna be okay you know.
its gonna take a long time, but im gonna be just fine.

im jelous, and im angry, and im sad, and im confused, and im scared, and i dont know whats happening to my body, i dont know why im feeling the way i do and it scares me. so bear with me okay. because im going through a lot of changes and im having to adapt and im having to fight like hell, and its fucking hard but im doing it. im starting to realise that sometimes you just have to lose. And i think im okay with that.

What you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be

The way i loved you

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

My heart

Im scared and im angry and im jelous and im sad and im lonely and im confused and my heart is literally breaking.

Andy Bunney

Andy Bunney, you broke my fucking heart and nothing you can say or do can ever make this relationship be the same again.
Your boyfriend is suppossed to be the one person who you can trust more than anyone, and when you cant trust them with everything that you are, what do you do?
YOU FUCKING BROKE MY HEART AND YOU DONT EVEN GIVE A SHIT.
It hurt, what you did, it really really hurt me.
And i didnt wanna cause an argument because i love you too much, but it hurt me really deep and you need to realise that.
Please, please just stop doing these silly things to me, stop thinking i'll let you get away with everything just because i cant stay mad at you.
You use that to your fucking advantage, you think you can do all this shit with other girls and that it wont matter because i wont stay mad at you.
I love you, and im giving you my fucking heart, so please stop breaking it.
I deserve to be treated right after everything i went through with jordan.
I THOUHGT YOU WERE DIFFERENT ANDY BUNNEY, BUT YOUR NOT, YOUR EXACTLY THE SAME AS EVERY OTHER FUCKER IVE EVER BEEN WITH.


I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME.
AND I WANT THEM TO LOVE ME RIGHT.

Please. It hurts so much.

MY HEART IS FUCKING BREAKING.

:'(

Just because, we've been together for three months, don't think that i don't need reassurance, and lovely texts and random hugs and kisses in the middle of the street. Because i do.
I just want someone to love me, and i want them to love me right. ANd if you dont start to fucking tell me that im the reason you breath, then eventually im going to find someone else who will tell me all of the things i only every wanted to hear from you.
And i love you, with every bone in my body, and i don't ever want to leave.
Im trusting you, and it's been really hard after jordan, and its really hard now because sometimes you give me reason not to trust you.
And you completley and utterly break my heart with some of the things you say and do, but it doesnt mean that i love you any less.
So just start being how you were at the begginning, when i was the most important thing to ever walk in you your world.
Start being the boy who i fell in love with again. STOP snapping at me. STOP getting angry at every little thing i do. and STOP being jelous and paranoid, because no boy compares to you and im never going to leave you.
You make me cry sometiems, but you are the reason that i smile, each and every single day.
If your gonna leave ,just do it, if not, start treating me nice.

Things are shit right now.
Whatevers going on, these panic attacks, or whatever they are, they're making things hard for me.
But im gonna fight until its over.
Cus im not gonna let them take over.
its not gonna be easy.
but im gonna do it.
Things get worse before they get better right?

x

.

I have a million different amazing friends, who i know i can turn to at any given moment,
i have an amazing boyfriend,
and a pretty solid family.
and i've never felt more alone in my whole life.

The past

The past is done.
Its unchangeable.
Move on.

Just because i finally got over you,
Doesn't mean there aren't days when it all comes rushing back.

I can't do this anymore.
I just can't.
Rhys, i miss you. Sometimes i miss you so much it hurts. I miss everything we were and everything we could of been. You were my best friend and i am always going to want you around, but you just hurt me too much. You pull me back in and then you completley and utterly break my heart all over again. I believed that we could make this work, and be the best of friends again, and i honestly thought you were telling the truth, i thought i had been the one lying to you, but it turns out its been the other way round. All along.
And i will talk to you on msn, but we can't have these deep talks about the past and i cant meet up with you because i'll just get pulled back in.
When i saw you the other day, it was like a weight had finally been lifted from my shoulders, and when i hugged you, i just wanted to cry because it felt so familiar. But if you cant be my friend, then i cant do this. you only see me and speak to me when its convinient for you, and i used to think that i could do that, but now i know that its much, much harder to have it half way than to not have it at all.
Im sorry.
But im falling apart.
And your not here to make it okay.
Your breaking my heart rhysee baby.
And i need it whole so i can give it to andy and love him with everything that i know im capeable of.

I wonder how many times we'll say goodbye before we actually let go

Yeah your right,
forever is a pretty damm long time,
but that is EXACTLY how long i am gonna love you.

'The worst part about being lied to, is knowing that you weren;t worth the truth'

I saw my Rhysee today.
And finally, i feel like i can breath again.
I just kind of fell into his arms when i saw him, and i breathed in that familiar smell that i love so, so much.
And everything felt okay.
For the first time in nearly 8 months, things felt like they are going to be just fine.
And rhys im sorry that i lied, and that i fucked up, but im done wasting time now, i just want us to be okay again.
I missed you my little komodo dragon :(

x

my baby

So, i have this boyfriend, and he is the most amazing person on the planet and im so goddammed lucky to be able to call him my own. He's so kind and honest, and lovely, and sweet, and caring and i love him.

We fight sometimes, and we have really bad days, but its okay because we love each other and at the end of the day, thats all that matters.

As long as we both keep working at it, and we both stay strong, and we never stop wanting this, then we're going to be just fine.

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNCONDITIONAL BABY.

(8)I crave you,
I breathe you,
I taste you
I see you in my dreams
I'll never replace you,
escape you,
crazy as it seems
You said you'll never go any where
But every time I look around boy you gonna dissapear
Still I cry
still I try to save you
Baby boy I crave you
Don't you know I love you

I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

Just because im not speaking to you,
doesnt mean i dont miss you every day

The truth is,
i gave my heart away a long time ago,
my whole heart,
and i never really got it back.

Im ready.
Im ready to be the girl i used to be.
The girl who never cried, never got mad about stupid things,
and the girl who would never let one guy,
be her reason for not being happy.

the end

We've always been told that things will never be easy,
that people you thought you knew so well, change,
that everything will, at some point, be forgotton,
and all good things, someday will come to an end,
But i never thought you'd be the one to make things hard,
or that you'd be the one i look at and think 'who are you?',
or that id wonder where our amazing nights went,
and i never ever thought id ever ever see the end.

I think part of the reason that we hold on to something so tight,
for so long,
is because we fear something so great will never happen again.

its so hard to understand why the memories hold on,
when i let go so long ago.

Whatever it is thats had this hold on me for the past few weeks, whether its panic attacks or what, i think its over now.
I know that maybe i haven't won the war, but i won this battle at least.
It's not going to be easy, and im going to have to fight to be okay, but i think i can do it.
Things have been changing the past few months and its been really hard but i think im slowely adjusting.
School is getting easier, im settling in, im not hurting anymore because of any of the people from my past, and me and andy..well, we're okay. Sometimes i just think that maybe he's a little bit like jordan, but i dont know if thats all in my head. Im scared of him sometimes, scared to make him angry or.. i dont know, its so hard to explain. either way, its going to be okay.
But you know what i figured, even if me and andy broke up, it would be okay, cus sure it would hurt, but he's changed me, he's taught me to be honest and good and nice and im eternally grateful for all of those things,
so even if we dont grow up and get married and have children, its alright, because we'll both meet someone who we do end up going through those things with.
Because as much as id like to be with andy forever, im not naive enough to think that its a certain possibility.
I've promised forever before. I promised it to myself to a boy who i thought was the love of my life, but it just didnt happen.
But you know what, sometimes, you love, you learn and you move on... and thats okay.

x

Is it always going to feel this way?
Godd... when i was fifteen all i wanted to do was grow up, and now im seventeen, im nearly old enough to vote, and drink, and smoke.. and i've never felt more like a kid in my life.
im so scared to grow up.
im afraid of everything i have to face.
and i miss everything i've left behind.
everythings so different now. things have just changed so much.
its just different. :(

2008.x

2008 was hard, and it was easy, and it was fun and it was all the other little things in between. I had to stand back and let a lot of things change, but most of all, i had to let me change, and i think that was the biggest task of all.
I've lost a lot in the past year. I've lost Stu, and Jordan, and my Grandad. And i lost Rhys and i lost a million different 'friends', and also, i think i lost my self a little bit too.
But then i moved to heles,and i met andy, and i fell in love, and i made new friends, and slowely, im mending those parts of me that were broken.
Im so tired of feeling lonely and sad, im ready to get out there again and face whatever 2009 is going to bring me. Im ready for change this year.
I dont normally do new years resolutions, but this year i have, just some little things.

1. Pass my driving test.
2. Stop biting my nails.
3. Still be andy bunney's girl by 31/12/2009
4. to not change back into the horrible person i used to be...

It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad about it, it’s okay to miss him, and it’s okay to wish that you did something differently, but never blame yourself for how things turned out, never tell yourself you cant do better and never tell yourself that this is the end of the road. Fate has a time and a place for us all and nothing you can say or do will change that. Sure, it’s okay to fall, but it’s never okay to stay down.

(L)

I think that somewhere, a while back. I lost my way a little bit. I forgot who i was and i stopped believing in everything i stood for. I was a horrible person, i wasn't honest or nice,but i was scared. and i had to be the way i was to cover everything up. And then i moved to heles, and i met all of these new people, and they showed me that it's okay to be who you truley are, because somewhere out there, there's a place for everyone, a place where you can fit in and be honest and kind and the world wont eat you up because of it. And i think i've found this place, i spent the past 5 years at ridgeway, always in the background, always caring way too much what people thought and always scared to talk to anyone new. And then i moved, and the first week i thought i'd made the biggest mistake of my life, but then i met andy, and i fell in love and i made friends, and i realised that maybe, just maybe there's no such thing as mistakes, just lessons that need to be learned.
And it's funny because i've only been there 3 months, but in those 3 months, i've changed more than i ever knew i could. Just a while back i was the girl who would go through days of not talking to anyone, or i'd have days where all i wanted to do was shout at everyone around me. I was the girl who would cry late at night and hold my pillow so tight to my body, always wishing for something better. I was the girl who would run home from school and lean over the toilet and stick my fingers down my throte because i thought it made everything better. And okay, maybe my past isn't as bad as i might think, nothing life changing has happened to me, but i've had a tough year. My Grandad died, and i think when you lose someone that special it really affects you.and i lost rhys and that whole fight and everything that happened after it really,really hurt me. And then everything with jordan, and then my step mum and my boss turned against me, and i think that when you realise you don't matter to somebody, you start to wonder if you matter to anybody. And maybe no-body can see how much i've changed, but i see it evry single day when i look in the mirror and it makes me smile. Because for once in my fucking life im happy, and i know that i mess up sometimes, but i couldnt care less, because right now i've got all i ever want in my life.
When i first started at heles, i was determined to make a fresh start for myself, yeah, i had a past, but it was mine and no-body had to know, but you know what, when you finally find that place where you belong,and you find people who you matter to and you finally realise that everything really is going to be okay, i dont think it really matters if people know all the shit that happened to you before you got there. Because it's not really important if you were a bad person somewhere along the way, all that matters is that your not that person anymore. ANd im not, im honest, and i know how to be nice, i can hold my tounge and i don't keep things inside anymore.
There's a place out there for everyone.
It just feels like it took me forever to find mine.

x

Im not missing him.
Im not missing him.
Im not missing him.

Me and jordan, we had a good run. 2 years.. fuck. but we didnt get along, and no amount of crying or missing him is going to change that. And that is exactly why i dont miss him or cry over him. I have andy and i want to spend the rest of my fucking life in his arms.

me and jordan laughed and cried and fought and we spent summer days layed on that swing in this back garden, and we played ps2 until 3am, and he tickled me when i was sat on his futon wearing his boxers.. all of these memories, i will always remember them, and i will cherish them forever, but it doesnt mean i miss them or want to go back. ANd im sat here smiling over how much he made me laugh, but i know i made the right decision because at the age of 17 i found the love of my life.

I will never forget jordan james ivey. not ever.
but andy is fucking amazing. he makes me laugh so hard until it hurts, he never makes me cry, and on the rare occasion i am crying he;s always around to dry my tears. hes just perfect and I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH.

so baby never worry about the boys ive been with. theyve got nothing on you.
im here forever i promise you.

I LOVE YOU BABY!!
xxxxxxxxxx

Thankyou.

You were the one that made me strong.
You made me stand up on my own.
With every cruel intention.
You helped me find my independance.
It's all because of you.
That i have the strength i do.
To turn my pain into passion.
So instead of crashing.
Boy im thanking you.

Letting go.

Letting go isn't about winning or losing.
It's not about pride.
It's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past.
It isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.
To let go is to cherish memories but to overcome them and move on.
Letting go is accepting.
Letting go is having the courage to accept change.

Oh Rhysee :(

We're going to have to accept the fact that people stay in our hearts even if they don't stay in our lives.

So maybe you doubt love.
Maybe you question him because of all these silly little reasons.
But who's on your mind at 2am?
thats where your heart is.
And your heart is always right.

(8)and i see you standing there,
wanting more from me,
and all i can do is try...


it may be in bits and pieces but im giving you the best of me baby.
i gave up my relationship for you,
because you showed me that there was something worth leaving for,
you made me belive that something better was out there,
dont ever make me regret that decision.

Andyy.

Im changing and you just dont realise it.
You taught me how to be honest.
You've shown me what its like to laugh again.
And a month ago, if you'd gone downtown, i wouldt of talked to you for days, i would of been a complete bitch about it and then gone out with my friends and not text you and made you worry,
but you've taught me that its okay to talk about these feelings, that its not stupid because im only human and you cant help being jelous and worrying,
im getting better and better at expresssing myself as each day passes.
Whether you notice it or not.
i can't just change like that, i need time.
the past 2 years with jordan have been so hard.
i've been with someone who just doesnt give a shit about me, so i learnt not to care too.
but since i met you, all of these little changes have been happening and you dont see them or appreciate them, but i do.
im learning to never ever lie,
im learning to express my feelings, the good and the bad,
im learning not to be so argumentitive,
and im learning when to back down.
Im changing, and one of these days your either gonna realise that and appreciate it,
or your never gonna care, and then eventually im just gonna stop caring too.
i just want you to care.
i just want to know that i matter.
i just want someone to give a shit about me.
just dont break my heart.
because after jordan its already pretty shattered.
but i love you with all the little pieces.
i really do baby.
x

I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop
Just hold me close
inside your arms tonight
Don’t be too hard on my emotions
Cause I, need time
My heart is numb has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience
I really wanna start over again
I know you wanna be my salvation
The one that I can always depend
I'll try to be strong, believe me
I'm trying to move on
It's complicated but understand me
Cause I, need time
My heart is numb has no feeling
Cause these scars runs so deep
It’s been hard But I have to believe.

Broken hearts and torn up letters, girl you just cant dnace forever.

Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
*Sighs*he went downtown last night
! says:
Why?
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
idk. with his 'boys'
! says:
Drinking?
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
yeah, he was so drunk. didnt get in till 3am :(
! says:
but.. hes not old enough?
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
i know,but hes tall so he gets in
! says:
aha.. lucky
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
hmm
! says:
Whats wrong? Explain.
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
idk ,i,m not jelous. idk how i feel about it. its like,last night there was this party, and i told him i was going and he got so upset and asked me not to, so i didnt, but he went downtown :/
! says:
Talk to him about it.
To me, hes being unfair on you.
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
i trust him, idk, but now i wanna go out late and get drunk with my friends, just to make him see how it feels
! says:
But thats not the right way to tackle this.
Doing that will just make it worse.
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
i know. but.. idk. i just wanna get back at him and make him see how it feels :/
! says:
but would he allow you to do that?
Louise! AndyBunney is EVERYTHING tbh says:
he'd have to get the fuck over it and stop being so hypocryitcal.
idk whats wrong with me, after jordan. i just stopepd trusting. i dont believe anyone can eb honest anymore, and im so convinced that every boy is gonna break my heart :/ i just cant go through it again, i like andy too much and its gonna break my heart when it ends.

Judge me, and i'll prove you wrong.
Tell me what to do, and i'l l tell you off.
Say im not worth it, and watch where i end up.
Call me a bitch, and i'll show you one,
Fuck me over, and i'll do it to you twice as bad.

I cried today.
Not because i miss Jordan.
But because i realised im going to be okay without him.

(L) Im still learning.

People say it's hard to move on, unless you have something to move on to.
I say they're right.
I've liked andy since the day i first set eyes on him, and fianlly, im his girl.
Some people may say that it's too soon and im not ready. But i know they are wrong.
Andys living proof that when yo let go of the past something better comes along.
Jordan wasnt going to change and i was in that relationship 2 years too long. i wouldnt say it was wasted time, because i learnt from it and it made me strong. I wouldnt even go as far to say it was the unhappiest 2 years of my life because it wasnt. the last year was horrible because we both changed too much and we just didnt get on anymore and we were too afraid to let go.
i dont think i was in love with him towards the end. i was just scared to leave because i was so comfortable with him. he was so familiar.
but now there's andy.
i;ve lost so much. but hes helping me to see how much i have to gain.
Im still learning tbh

(8)Big girls don't cry

Im louise
And im single :/

So my two year relationship with Jordan finally ended. AFter months of yelling and screaming and nights layed awake crying, im finally free. I miss him, of course i do, and you know, i think im going to miss him for a long time to come. He's been my everything for the past two years and when your only sixteen thats a long time, but i also know im going to be okay, and i have amazing friends all around me and they're going to help me through it, not like i couldn't do it on my own. Im brave and im so strong and im going to be just fine. Im not a big cryer when it comes to relationships ending, and at first that scared me, because i thought that maybe in time it might all catch up with me and just hurt so much, but i think that maybe im realising the posotive side of this. Although i got hurt, i had an amazing time with Jordan, he taught me everything love is and isn't suppossed to be. He gave me something to compare to. He made me laugh and he showed me that i can learn to love and trust somebody with all of my heart. But he also showed me what relationships aren't suppossed to be like, he taught me that its not okay to shout at a girl, and its not okay to be mean to your girlfriend. I know now what i want in a future relationship and i know how i want to be treated. I will ALWAYS remember Jordan and i will always look back and smile, but now i can get out there and find someone who can be everything Jord was and more. Im going to find my soulmate you know. Im sixteen, i have forever.

But now theres Andy, and godd i haven't felt this way in so long.He's everything a boy is suppossed to be and he knows how to treat me. He's just nice, so, so nice and he makes me laugh like no-one else. Lets just see where it goes.

Im Louise.
Im single.
And im going to be okay.
(:

x

('.')

It's been two years now, and i thought we'd be forever, i did.
But we don't talk anymore, not about the stuff that matters. We don't have in depth conversations and he doesn't listen to my problems. He;s not nice to me sometimes and it breaks my heart when he shouts at me or swears or pushes me.
And it's just getting to the point where im prepering myself to leave.
Jordan thinks he's got me wrapped around his little finger, and that i will always be here no matter how he treats me but it's not suppossed to be like that.
I just cry more than anyone knows and im sad all of the time and i try so hard to hide it but its taking its toll.
I jsut want him to love me.
I just fucking want somebody to love me.
and i want them to love me right.

x

Love is everything its cracked up to be. Its worth waiting for, worth being brave for, and you know what? If you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Whenever, wherever, if you are meant to be for each other, love will be there. You don't need to search for love, love will find you.

Halo

I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine every day,
i give you everything i have,
the good the bad...