If love were standing infrnt of me and asked 'what are you prepared to give me?' I don't know what i'd say. Maybe i'd ask 'What have i done to you? Why did you mess me around like that?' And then i'd shake him until his thoughts are all messed up like mine are. But still, whatever happens and whoever breaks my heart, i still believe in the power of love. Maybe im stupid, maybe im naive, or just maybe hope dies last. and even though my heart is lying in pieces on the ground right now and people are walking all over it i can feel that in the end love will give me a chance. Because even when love stabs you in the back and you have doubts and it hurts, it is still the greatest of feelings. and we give everything for love.. everything.

whats the rush?

I am growing up, and i am changing and it's scary. In a week i have to start at a new school.. again. except this time its different. because this time, im not going to fall for anyone, im not going to get involved, im just going to pass my exams. thats it, thats what i will be happy with. Just that. And last year, it really bothered me that i didnt seem to fit in at heles, and how uncomfortable i felt in my skin, but this year, i dont care if that happens at ridgeway, because i have my friends, i have the best friends in the world and thats where i belong, they changed my life. and i was thnking the other day how everything really does happen for a reason. and if i could go back in time, and choose whether or not to cheat on andy, i would still do it every single time, in fact, i would probably have done worse, just so he would of broken up with me sooner, and even if it meant having andy back in my life, and having things stay the same, i would still do it, because despite all the pain and the heartbreak, i am a stronger person, and i would not change one thing about my life right now.


xxx

(8)You had me at hello

I didn't want this.
I didn't want to fall for you.
I don't want to miss you when you're not around, or feel scared to lose you.
And im trying really really hard to stop myself from falling for you.
Too bad it's not working huh ? :/

xx

My life (L)

So three months ago now, i fell to pieces. I was barley breathing and i just couldn't see the point in anything anymore. I lost andy, and that meant that i lost not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, my world, my past, my future, and also a little piece of me too. And i can honestly say that losing him was the worst thing i have ever gone through. God.. you have no idea how much it hurt. No-one will ever know how much i cried, or how much it broke me inside. But everyone says that things happen for a reason, and those people are right. Because if andy hadn't of left, i would not of had the best summer of my life. And most importantly, i would not of met the people i did. People whom im so grateful for, and who i know will be in my life forever. Sam, the nicest boy i have ever met. He picks me up from town at stupid hours of the morning when im crying my eyes out, and he takes me out, and is always there to talk to and have fun with. And Nath, the funniest boy ever, he makes me laugh so much until i cant breath, and Codie.. my beautiful best friend who i can promsie you, will always mean more to me than anyone else that can possibly walk into my life.
And slowley im picking up the pieces and moving on with my life. And im not gonna lie and say it was easy, because it wasnt. It broke my fucking heart and i am never going to be the same again, but it doesnt even matter that i got hurt, because in that happening, i learnt to be a stronger person, and this summer has honenstly been the best summer of my life. Since may 16th, there has not been a single night when i have been alone. And now i know why fate threw all this heartbreak at me, becaus life wanted me to wake up and stop wasting time. And this summer, i have realise that life is terrible as well as wonderful, and loss can stab and overwhelm just as luck can delight and sparkle. I also knew, from the moment that andy left, that life cannot be controlled, and i will never be the same person again. So this is my story of lost innocence. It is about losing someone close and being betrayed by the one you love. Getting it wrong and finding your way back. It is about fighting your demons and valuing your time on the planet. It is about being a grown up, abotu taking this life in both hands and deciding how to spend it. It is to do with feeling lucky and angry and sad and knowing that people are the most irreplaable, heartbreakingly fragule and precious things in life. So bring it on, bring on all the pain and heartbreak you can throw at me, cus i promise you im gonna fight it.

xxx

The Andy Bunney Alphabet

I found this what i wrote ages ago
thought i would publish it



A is for arctic roll

B is for bacon and Bunney

C is for cuddled

D is for drawing pictures on new years eve

E is for eating lots :)

F is for fatties xD

G is for going in town

H is for hot days lazing around

I is for Isaac, what you called me when you first met me

J is for jumping around to no music

K is for kick abouts at the park. even though i never actually kicked the ball

L is for Love. we had it. and we lost it. life goes on.

M is for mummy bunney

N is for never alone

O is for ____

P is for promises made... and promises broken

Q is for ______

R is for races. at the park and ride. before we even got together

S is for singing along to every song we could find :D

T is for tantrums.. mostly on my part

U is for ____

V is for very lovelyy

W is for wanker.. sorry :L

X is for _____

Y is for you are the best thing to ever happen to me

Z is for _____

(L)Codie smith

You have given meaning to the word 'best friend'. We have so much in common and we have the best times together and you make me laugh so much, but there are a million other reasons why i love you. You are always there for me and you always know the right thing to say, and no matter what im going through, i know that i can go to you, and you will help me through it. I hoestly do no know how i would of gotten through the past few months without you, you have just completley been there for me and im so grateful for everything. From the moment you walked in to my life, i knew that nothing could ever be bad again. Because no matter what happens, and no matter how bad it is, i know that you'll be there for me. Even if i get my heart broken into pieces, i know that you'll stay up with me all night, every night till i can sleep on my own without crying, and i know if im sad you'll take me out and make me laugh again. I love the automatic hate thing we've got going on, how you always hate anyone who makes me sad, and i love how your so loyal, and how you keep all my secrets. I don;t think we will ever argue, but if we do i know that we will always make up. I can't promise you that this is going to be an easy ride, and i can;t promise you that this friendship is always going to be all fun and smiles, but i can promise you, that what we've got going on right here, is going to last forever. and i can promise you hand on my heart that you are the friend i am going to want around for life. Codie smith, i can pretty much guarantee that you will be the bridsemade at my wedding, and god mother to my children, but most of all i can promise that you will always, always be my best friend. Thank you so much for all that you have helped me through, and all that you have taught me. You have made me a stronger person and you are by far, the best thing to ever walk into my life.

My love for you is eternal.
I love you my best friend


I hope that made you cry ;)

xxxx

FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

DO YOU WANT TO STEAL ONE MORE BOY FROM ME YOU FUCKING FAT, SKANKY BITCH

:@:@:@:@

(8)take these memories that are haunting me

I remeber those days you used to hold on to me so tight and beg me never to leave you. And i remeber how we used to swear on our lives that we were forever.
But the truth is, even if i hadn't done what i did with brandon, we would not have lasted much longer anyways. We just argued too much, remeber what i said about the smiley face chart? 6 smiley faces out of 6 weeks. And i think that piece of paper stuck to my wall, just confirmed what we knew in our hearts all a long. We were never meant for do or die. and we did love each other andy bunney, i loved you with everything i was capeable of, but we just fell apart.
and i can't tell you that im not bitter about the break up, because i am. maybe if youd done it to my face, i could of forgiven you, but getting another girl to call me? that was just heartless.
and i cant tell you im happy for you and your new relationship, because im not. and its not because i miss you, its because i dont want you to be happy after everything you put me through. I cant even say that we will be friends in time because i just dont know. I gave you everything i had, and you broke my fucking heart in two, and because of you, i am never going to trust fully again, and yes i know in the future, maybe even now, i am going to fall for someone, but i dont want to give them any part of myself, because i cannot risk getting hurt again.
and you walked away so easily.. you didnt have a single scar, and you could forget everything, but me? i cant forget, no matter how hard i try. I remeber the park and ride races, i remeber november 9th, i remeber christmas and easter, and all the times in the cinema, and i remeber how you held me when i was crying. and i want to fucking forget it all.
but i promise you, you will probbaly never remeber half the things i will never forget.
and i want to move on now, because im over you, and i just wanted you to know that yes, i am angry and bitter, and pissed offf, but im not sad anymore.
you were a lovely person to me andy bunney, but your also human, and you hurt me too much.
so now i just want you to go.
please
just dont break me down anymore.
because i need to learn to be strong again, so that when the right person comes along i can love them with everything ive got.

xx

I don't want to ever need anybody again.
not in the way you need a vitamin or a good nights sleep,
more in the way you need a ciggerette or a drink

:/

We hate the people we love because they are the only one's that can hurt us.

Hospital... again

So, i had another hospital appointment today and they did some absolutley lovely things to me me.. (note the sarcasm)
however, they still coulndt find out whats wrong so i have to have MORE tests soon :(
mehh

i was very cute today though. hahahahaha. i cried the whole way through but a nice nurse held my hand :D

hahaha

xx

Maybe no-one told you there was strength in your tears

(8) living my life at 100 miles an hour

Letting go isn't about winning or losing,
it's not about pride
its not about obsessing or dwelling on the past
it isnt about loss and its not about defeat
to let go is to cherish memories but to overcome them and to move on
letting go is accepting
letting go is having the courage to accept change

Im going to admit, a while back, i was not a nice person, and i did some horrible things that i am ashamed of, and i wish i could take them back but i can't. The only thing i can do is to learn from my mistakes. And everyone says that people can't change, but thats not true, because the day that andy left, i changed for good, and for a really long time, i thought i was sad because i had lost him, but thats nto actually the reason i was unhappy. i was sad because all the time i was with him, i gave him everything, so when he left, i lost a little but of myself aswell. But ever since then, ive just got out there, and had fun and laughed. ive been out every night, and ive made new friends, and ive been having the time of my life, and im starting to realise that im going to be just fine on my own :) so yes, maybe i was a horrible person, but that was only because of the horrible relationship i was in, and trust me, im happier now than ive been for a long time :)

You change for one or two reasons,
you learn enough to want to,
or you've been hurt enough to have to.

xxx

I wonder how many times we'll say goodbye before we actually let go?

I tried, to be your friend, i did, but im just not going to put myself through it anymore. All you do is say things to hurt me, and accuse me of things that i haven't done, and try and make me feel like shit. You walked into my life almost a year ago then, and since then, all you've done is fuck me over. In some ways, you are the worst thing that ever happened to me, because you broke my down so much, and you were the shittest person i have ever known, but on the other hand, you were the best thing, because you made me strong, and when you left it made me change as a person. Karma's a bitch though, you'll get it. i promsie you that. And ive blocked your msn and im not going to reply to your texts anymore. I really thought we could make things work as friends, but im not going to put in all the effort. I'll always be here for you if you call me at 3am, but other than that i dont want you in my life. And it just makes me laugh, because yes i ALMOST cheated on you, and no im not proud, but you were just a shit person, so you can think im at fault for our relationship ending, but thats not really the case. And for the last time, no i did not steal your condoms and i pod charger. your a pathetic, low person, and im jsut happy to be away from you.
and im excited now because im getting over you, and im looking forward to meeting someone new and having a happy future with them. and im strong now. It may bother me when i see you with other girls, but thats not because i want you back. No, its because i dont want you to be happy, not after everything you put me through. Im finally over you, so here's to your future. have a good one stranger.

and i could cry with relif right now, because i know that the worst is over now. i dotn cry anymore, and im not sad, sure theres still the occasional pang when i smell lynx africa, or when i walk past your house, but thats all it is, a memory, just a story thats happened and isnt relevent anymore. So thankyou for the good times, for the laughs, and for holding me when i was scared, and for always helping me through. We were young and in love and we fucked up okay, and in a couple of years im going to look back and laugh at how trivial this all is. Im looking forward to this summer, because so far it has been the best of my life, and as for my panic attakcs? yehh im fighting through them, as always, and this time im doing it by myself. So you can leave me alone now, because im fianlly over you. and im done with all of your shit. your not using me for sex anymore, and your not gonna make me cry ever again.. all i can say is, good luck to the next girl.

But just know that i will never ever forget you.

xx