'The worst part about being lied to, is knowing that you weren;t worth the truth'

I saw my Rhysee today.
And finally, i feel like i can breath again.
I just kind of fell into his arms when i saw him, and i breathed in that familiar smell that i love so, so much.
And everything felt okay.
For the first time in nearly 8 months, things felt like they are going to be just fine.
And rhys im sorry that i lied, and that i fucked up, but im done wasting time now, i just want us to be okay again.
I missed you my little komodo dragon :(

x

my baby

So, i have this boyfriend, and he is the most amazing person on the planet and im so goddammed lucky to be able to call him my own. He's so kind and honest, and lovely, and sweet, and caring and i love him.

We fight sometimes, and we have really bad days, but its okay because we love each other and at the end of the day, thats all that matters.

As long as we both keep working at it, and we both stay strong, and we never stop wanting this, then we're going to be just fine.

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNCONDITIONAL BABY.

(8)I crave you,
I breathe you,
I taste you
I see you in my dreams
I'll never replace you,
escape you,
crazy as it seems
You said you'll never go any where
But every time I look around boy you gonna dissapear
Still I cry
still I try to save you
Baby boy I crave you
Don't you know I love you

I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

Just because im not speaking to you,
doesnt mean i dont miss you every day

The truth is,
i gave my heart away a long time ago,
my whole heart,
and i never really got it back.

Im ready.
Im ready to be the girl i used to be.
The girl who never cried, never got mad about stupid things,
and the girl who would never let one guy,
be her reason for not being happy.

the end

We've always been told that things will never be easy,
that people you thought you knew so well, change,
that everything will, at some point, be forgotton,
and all good things, someday will come to an end,
But i never thought you'd be the one to make things hard,
or that you'd be the one i look at and think 'who are you?',
or that id wonder where our amazing nights went,
and i never ever thought id ever ever see the end.

I think part of the reason that we hold on to something so tight,
for so long,
is because we fear something so great will never happen again.

its so hard to understand why the memories hold on,
when i let go so long ago.

Whatever it is thats had this hold on me for the past few weeks, whether its panic attacks or what, i think its over now.
I know that maybe i haven't won the war, but i won this battle at least.
It's not going to be easy, and im going to have to fight to be okay, but i think i can do it.
Things have been changing the past few months and its been really hard but i think im slowely adjusting.
School is getting easier, im settling in, im not hurting anymore because of any of the people from my past, and me and andy..well, we're okay. Sometimes i just think that maybe he's a little bit like jordan, but i dont know if thats all in my head. Im scared of him sometimes, scared to make him angry or.. i dont know, its so hard to explain. either way, its going to be okay.
But you know what i figured, even if me and andy broke up, it would be okay, cus sure it would hurt, but he's changed me, he's taught me to be honest and good and nice and im eternally grateful for all of those things,
so even if we dont grow up and get married and have children, its alright, because we'll both meet someone who we do end up going through those things with.
Because as much as id like to be with andy forever, im not naive enough to think that its a certain possibility.
I've promised forever before. I promised it to myself to a boy who i thought was the love of my life, but it just didnt happen.
But you know what, sometimes, you love, you learn and you move on... and thats okay.

x

Is it always going to feel this way?
Godd... when i was fifteen all i wanted to do was grow up, and now im seventeen, im nearly old enough to vote, and drink, and smoke.. and i've never felt more like a kid in my life.
im so scared to grow up.
im afraid of everything i have to face.
and i miss everything i've left behind.
everythings so different now. things have just changed so much.
its just different. :(

2008.x

2008 was hard, and it was easy, and it was fun and it was all the other little things in between. I had to stand back and let a lot of things change, but most of all, i had to let me change, and i think that was the biggest task of all.
I've lost a lot in the past year. I've lost Stu, and Jordan, and my Grandad. And i lost Rhys and i lost a million different 'friends', and also, i think i lost my self a little bit too.
But then i moved to heles,and i met andy, and i fell in love, and i made new friends, and slowely, im mending those parts of me that were broken.
Im so tired of feeling lonely and sad, im ready to get out there again and face whatever 2009 is going to bring me. Im ready for change this year.
I dont normally do new years resolutions, but this year i have, just some little things.

1. Pass my driving test.
2. Stop biting my nails.
3. Still be andy bunney's girl by 31/12/2009
4. to not change back into the horrible person i used to be...

It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be sad about it, it’s okay to miss him, and it’s okay to wish that you did something differently, but never blame yourself for how things turned out, never tell yourself you cant do better and never tell yourself that this is the end of the road. Fate has a time and a place for us all and nothing you can say or do will change that. Sure, it’s okay to fall, but it’s never okay to stay down.

(L)

I think that somewhere, a while back. I lost my way a little bit. I forgot who i was and i stopped believing in everything i stood for. I was a horrible person, i wasn't honest or nice,but i was scared. and i had to be the way i was to cover everything up. And then i moved to heles, and i met all of these new people, and they showed me that it's okay to be who you truley are, because somewhere out there, there's a place for everyone, a place where you can fit in and be honest and kind and the world wont eat you up because of it. And i think i've found this place, i spent the past 5 years at ridgeway, always in the background, always caring way too much what people thought and always scared to talk to anyone new. And then i moved, and the first week i thought i'd made the biggest mistake of my life, but then i met andy, and i fell in love and i made friends, and i realised that maybe, just maybe there's no such thing as mistakes, just lessons that need to be learned.
And it's funny because i've only been there 3 months, but in those 3 months, i've changed more than i ever knew i could. Just a while back i was the girl who would go through days of not talking to anyone, or i'd have days where all i wanted to do was shout at everyone around me. I was the girl who would cry late at night and hold my pillow so tight to my body, always wishing for something better. I was the girl who would run home from school and lean over the toilet and stick my fingers down my throte because i thought it made everything better. And okay, maybe my past isn't as bad as i might think, nothing life changing has happened to me, but i've had a tough year. My Grandad died, and i think when you lose someone that special it really affects you.and i lost rhys and that whole fight and everything that happened after it really,really hurt me. And then everything with jordan, and then my step mum and my boss turned against me, and i think that when you realise you don't matter to somebody, you start to wonder if you matter to anybody. And maybe no-body can see how much i've changed, but i see it evry single day when i look in the mirror and it makes me smile. Because for once in my fucking life im happy, and i know that i mess up sometimes, but i couldnt care less, because right now i've got all i ever want in my life.
When i first started at heles, i was determined to make a fresh start for myself, yeah, i had a past, but it was mine and no-body had to know, but you know what, when you finally find that place where you belong,and you find people who you matter to and you finally realise that everything really is going to be okay, i dont think it really matters if people know all the shit that happened to you before you got there. Because it's not really important if you were a bad person somewhere along the way, all that matters is that your not that person anymore. ANd im not, im honest, and i know how to be nice, i can hold my tounge and i don't keep things inside anymore.
There's a place out there for everyone.
It just feels like it took me forever to find mine.

x

Im not missing him.
Im not missing him.
Im not missing him.

Me and jordan, we had a good run. 2 years.. fuck. but we didnt get along, and no amount of crying or missing him is going to change that. And that is exactly why i dont miss him or cry over him. I have andy and i want to spend the rest of my fucking life in his arms.

me and jordan laughed and cried and fought and we spent summer days layed on that swing in this back garden, and we played ps2 until 3am, and he tickled me when i was sat on his futon wearing his boxers.. all of these memories, i will always remember them, and i will cherish them forever, but it doesnt mean i miss them or want to go back. ANd im sat here smiling over how much he made me laugh, but i know i made the right decision because at the age of 17 i found the love of my life.

I will never forget jordan james ivey. not ever.
but andy is fucking amazing. he makes me laugh so hard until it hurts, he never makes me cry, and on the rare occasion i am crying he;s always around to dry my tears. hes just perfect and I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH.

so baby never worry about the boys ive been with. theyve got nothing on you.
im here forever i promise you.

I LOVE YOU BABY!!
xxxxxxxxxx

Thankyou.

You were the one that made me strong.
You made me stand up on my own.
With every cruel intention.
You helped me find my independance.
It's all because of you.
That i have the strength i do.
To turn my pain into passion.
So instead of crashing.
Boy im thanking you.

Letting go.

Letting go isn't about winning or losing.
It's not about pride.
It's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past.
It isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.
To let go is to cherish memories but to overcome them and move on.
Letting go is accepting.
Letting go is having the courage to accept change.

Oh Rhysee :(

We're going to have to accept the fact that people stay in our hearts even if they don't stay in our lives.

So maybe you doubt love.
Maybe you question him because of all these silly little reasons.
But who's on your mind at 2am?
thats where your heart is.
And your heart is always right.

(8)and i see you standing there,
wanting more from me,
and all i can do is try...


it may be in bits and pieces but im giving you the best of me baby.
i gave up my relationship for you,
because you showed me that there was something worth leaving for,
you made me belive that something better was out there,
dont ever make me regret that decision.