arg :@

ARG I FUCKING HATE YOU,
YOU STUPID TWAT
JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE
YOUR THE SHITTEST BOYFRIEND IVE EVER HAD
YOU WANKER
ALL YOU DO IS FUCKING HURT ME
FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

panic attacks

With everything going on latley, im having to really dig deep inside me and remember alot of things that i don't really want to remember. Im having to look right back into my past and allow myself to feel things that i havent felt in such a long time.
And its just funny that the decisions you make really do decide who your going to be.
Like, maybe if id never moved to heles, i wouldnt of had these panic attacks, but then again i wouldnt of met andy, so its a small price to pay.
But if i hadnt had them. maybe i wouldnt be looking back so far and in doing so, im figutring out alot of things about myself that i once forgot.
im gonna be okay you know.
its gonna take a long time, but im gonna be just fine.

im jelous, and im angry, and im sad, and im confused, and im scared, and i dont know whats happening to my body, i dont know why im feeling the way i do and it scares me. so bear with me okay. because im going through a lot of changes and im having to adapt and im having to fight like hell, and its fucking hard but im doing it. im starting to realise that sometimes you just have to lose. And i think im okay with that.

What you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be

The way i loved you

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you

My heart

Im scared and im angry and im jelous and im sad and im lonely and im confused and my heart is literally breaking.

Andy Bunney

Andy Bunney, you broke my fucking heart and nothing you can say or do can ever make this relationship be the same again.
Your boyfriend is suppossed to be the one person who you can trust more than anyone, and when you cant trust them with everything that you are, what do you do?
YOU FUCKING BROKE MY HEART AND YOU DONT EVEN GIVE A SHIT.
It hurt, what you did, it really really hurt me.
And i didnt wanna cause an argument because i love you too much, but it hurt me really deep and you need to realise that.
Please, please just stop doing these silly things to me, stop thinking i'll let you get away with everything just because i cant stay mad at you.
You use that to your fucking advantage, you think you can do all this shit with other girls and that it wont matter because i wont stay mad at you.
I love you, and im giving you my fucking heart, so please stop breaking it.
I deserve to be treated right after everything i went through with jordan.
I THOUHGT YOU WERE DIFFERENT ANDY BUNNEY, BUT YOUR NOT, YOUR EXACTLY THE SAME AS EVERY OTHER FUCKER IVE EVER BEEN WITH.


I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME.
AND I WANT THEM TO LOVE ME RIGHT.

Please. It hurts so much.

MY HEART IS FUCKING BREAKING.

:'(

Just because, we've been together for three months, don't think that i don't need reassurance, and lovely texts and random hugs and kisses in the middle of the street. Because i do.
I just want someone to love me, and i want them to love me right. ANd if you dont start to fucking tell me that im the reason you breath, then eventually im going to find someone else who will tell me all of the things i only every wanted to hear from you.
And i love you, with every bone in my body, and i don't ever want to leave.
Im trusting you, and it's been really hard after jordan, and its really hard now because sometimes you give me reason not to trust you.
And you completley and utterly break my heart with some of the things you say and do, but it doesnt mean that i love you any less.
So just start being how you were at the begginning, when i was the most important thing to ever walk in you your world.
Start being the boy who i fell in love with again. STOP snapping at me. STOP getting angry at every little thing i do. and STOP being jelous and paranoid, because no boy compares to you and im never going to leave you.
You make me cry sometiems, but you are the reason that i smile, each and every single day.
If your gonna leave ,just do it, if not, start treating me nice.

Things are shit right now.
Whatevers going on, these panic attacks, or whatever they are, they're making things hard for me.
But im gonna fight until its over.
Cus im not gonna let them take over.
its not gonna be easy.
but im gonna do it.
Things get worse before they get better right?

x

.

I have a million different amazing friends, who i know i can turn to at any given moment,
i have an amazing boyfriend,
and a pretty solid family.
and i've never felt more alone in my whole life.

The past

The past is done.
Its unchangeable.
Move on.

Just because i finally got over you,
Doesn't mean there aren't days when it all comes rushing back.

I can't do this anymore.
I just can't.
Rhys, i miss you. Sometimes i miss you so much it hurts. I miss everything we were and everything we could of been. You were my best friend and i am always going to want you around, but you just hurt me too much. You pull me back in and then you completley and utterly break my heart all over again. I believed that we could make this work, and be the best of friends again, and i honestly thought you were telling the truth, i thought i had been the one lying to you, but it turns out its been the other way round. All along.
And i will talk to you on msn, but we can't have these deep talks about the past and i cant meet up with you because i'll just get pulled back in.
When i saw you the other day, it was like a weight had finally been lifted from my shoulders, and when i hugged you, i just wanted to cry because it felt so familiar. But if you cant be my friend, then i cant do this. you only see me and speak to me when its convinient for you, and i used to think that i could do that, but now i know that its much, much harder to have it half way than to not have it at all.
Im sorry.
But im falling apart.
And your not here to make it okay.
Your breaking my heart rhysee baby.
And i need it whole so i can give it to andy and love him with everything that i know im capeable of.

I wonder how many times we'll say goodbye before we actually let go

Yeah your right,
forever is a pretty damm long time,
but that is EXACTLY how long i am gonna love you.

'The worst part about being lied to, is knowing that you weren;t worth the truth'

I saw my Rhysee today.
And finally, i feel like i can breath again.
I just kind of fell into his arms when i saw him, and i breathed in that familiar smell that i love so, so much.
And everything felt okay.
For the first time in nearly 8 months, things felt like they are going to be just fine.
And rhys im sorry that i lied, and that i fucked up, but im done wasting time now, i just want us to be okay again.
I missed you my little komodo dragon :(

x

my baby

So, i have this boyfriend, and he is the most amazing person on the planet and im so goddammed lucky to be able to call him my own. He's so kind and honest, and lovely, and sweet, and caring and i love him.

We fight sometimes, and we have really bad days, but its okay because we love each other and at the end of the day, thats all that matters.

As long as we both keep working at it, and we both stay strong, and we never stop wanting this, then we're going to be just fine.

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNCONDITIONAL BABY.

(8)I crave you,
I breathe you,
I taste you
I see you in my dreams
I'll never replace you,
escape you,
crazy as it seems
You said you'll never go any where
But every time I look around boy you gonna dissapear
Still I cry
still I try to save you
Baby boy I crave you
Don't you know I love you

I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

Just because im not speaking to you,
doesnt mean i dont miss you every day