MY HEART IS FUCKING BREAKING.

:'(

Just because, we've been together for three months, don't think that i don't need reassurance, and lovely texts and random hugs and kisses in the middle of the street. Because i do.
I just want someone to love me, and i want them to love me right. ANd if you dont start to fucking tell me that im the reason you breath, then eventually im going to find someone else who will tell me all of the things i only every wanted to hear from you.
And i love you, with every bone in my body, and i don't ever want to leave.
Im trusting you, and it's been really hard after jordan, and its really hard now because sometimes you give me reason not to trust you.
And you completley and utterly break my heart with some of the things you say and do, but it doesnt mean that i love you any less.
So just start being how you were at the begginning, when i was the most important thing to ever walk in you your world.
Start being the boy who i fell in love with again. STOP snapping at me. STOP getting angry at every little thing i do. and STOP being jelous and paranoid, because no boy compares to you and im never going to leave you.
You make me cry sometiems, but you are the reason that i smile, each and every single day.
If your gonna leave ,just do it, if not, start treating me nice.

Things are shit right now.
Whatevers going on, these panic attacks, or whatever they are, they're making things hard for me.
But im gonna fight until its over.
Cus im not gonna let them take over.
its not gonna be easy.
but im gonna do it.
Things get worse before they get better right?

x

.

I have a million different amazing friends, who i know i can turn to at any given moment,
i have an amazing boyfriend,
and a pretty solid family.
and i've never felt more alone in my whole life.

The past

The past is done.
Its unchangeable.
Move on.

Just because i finally got over you,
Doesn't mean there aren't days when it all comes rushing back.

I can't do this anymore.
I just can't.
Rhys, i miss you. Sometimes i miss you so much it hurts. I miss everything we were and everything we could of been. You were my best friend and i am always going to want you around, but you just hurt me too much. You pull me back in and then you completley and utterly break my heart all over again. I believed that we could make this work, and be the best of friends again, and i honestly thought you were telling the truth, i thought i had been the one lying to you, but it turns out its been the other way round. All along.
And i will talk to you on msn, but we can't have these deep talks about the past and i cant meet up with you because i'll just get pulled back in.
When i saw you the other day, it was like a weight had finally been lifted from my shoulders, and when i hugged you, i just wanted to cry because it felt so familiar. But if you cant be my friend, then i cant do this. you only see me and speak to me when its convinient for you, and i used to think that i could do that, but now i know that its much, much harder to have it half way than to not have it at all.
Im sorry.
But im falling apart.
And your not here to make it okay.
Your breaking my heart rhysee baby.
And i need it whole so i can give it to andy and love him with everything that i know im capeable of.

I wonder how many times we'll say goodbye before we actually let go

Yeah your right,
forever is a pretty damm long time,
but that is EXACTLY how long i am gonna love you.

'The worst part about being lied to, is knowing that you weren;t worth the truth'

I saw my Rhysee today.
And finally, i feel like i can breath again.
I just kind of fell into his arms when i saw him, and i breathed in that familiar smell that i love so, so much.
And everything felt okay.
For the first time in nearly 8 months, things felt like they are going to be just fine.
And rhys im sorry that i lied, and that i fucked up, but im done wasting time now, i just want us to be okay again.
I missed you my little komodo dragon :(

x

my baby

So, i have this boyfriend, and he is the most amazing person on the planet and im so goddammed lucky to be able to call him my own. He's so kind and honest, and lovely, and sweet, and caring and i love him.

We fight sometimes, and we have really bad days, but its okay because we love each other and at the end of the day, thats all that matters.

As long as we both keep working at it, and we both stay strong, and we never stop wanting this, then we're going to be just fine.

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNCONDITIONAL BABY.

(8)I crave you,
I breathe you,
I taste you
I see you in my dreams
I'll never replace you,
escape you,
crazy as it seems
You said you'll never go any where
But every time I look around boy you gonna dissapear
Still I cry
still I try to save you
Baby boy I crave you
Don't you know I love you

I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

Just because im not speaking to you,
doesnt mean i dont miss you every day

The truth is,
i gave my heart away a long time ago,
my whole heart,
and i never really got it back.

Im ready.
Im ready to be the girl i used to be.
The girl who never cried, never got mad about stupid things,
and the girl who would never let one guy,
be her reason for not being happy.

the end

We've always been told that things will never be easy,
that people you thought you knew so well, change,
that everything will, at some point, be forgotton,
and all good things, someday will come to an end,
But i never thought you'd be the one to make things hard,
or that you'd be the one i look at and think 'who are you?',
or that id wonder where our amazing nights went,
and i never ever thought id ever ever see the end.

I think part of the reason that we hold on to something so tight,
for so long,
is because we fear something so great will never happen again.

its so hard to understand why the memories hold on,
when i let go so long ago.

Whatever it is thats had this hold on me for the past few weeks, whether its panic attacks or what, i think its over now.
I know that maybe i haven't won the war, but i won this battle at least.
It's not going to be easy, and im going to have to fight to be okay, but i think i can do it.
Things have been changing the past few months and its been really hard but i think im slowely adjusting.
School is getting easier, im settling in, im not hurting anymore because of any of the people from my past, and me and andy..well, we're okay. Sometimes i just think that maybe he's a little bit like jordan, but i dont know if thats all in my head. Im scared of him sometimes, scared to make him angry or.. i dont know, its so hard to explain. either way, its going to be okay.
But you know what i figured, even if me and andy broke up, it would be okay, cus sure it would hurt, but he's changed me, he's taught me to be honest and good and nice and im eternally grateful for all of those things,
so even if we dont grow up and get married and have children, its alright, because we'll both meet someone who we do end up going through those things with.
Because as much as id like to be with andy forever, im not naive enough to think that its a certain possibility.
I've promised forever before. I promised it to myself to a boy who i thought was the love of my life, but it just didnt happen.
But you know what, sometimes, you love, you learn and you move on... and thats okay.

x

Is it always going to feel this way?
Godd... when i was fifteen all i wanted to do was grow up, and now im seventeen, im nearly old enough to vote, and drink, and smoke.. and i've never felt more like a kid in my life.
im so scared to grow up.
im afraid of everything i have to face.
and i miss everything i've left behind.
everythings so different now. things have just changed so much.
its just different. :(