'The worst part about being lied to, is knowing that you weren;t worth the truth'

I saw my Rhysee today.
And finally, i feel like i can breath again.
I just kind of fell into his arms when i saw him, and i breathed in that familiar smell that i love so, so much.
And everything felt okay.
For the first time in nearly 8 months, things felt like they are going to be just fine.
And rhys im sorry that i lied, and that i fucked up, but im done wasting time now, i just want us to be okay again.
I missed you my little komodo dragon :(

x

my baby

So, i have this boyfriend, and he is the most amazing person on the planet and im so goddammed lucky to be able to call him my own. He's so kind and honest, and lovely, and sweet, and caring and i love him.

We fight sometimes, and we have really bad days, but its okay because we love each other and at the end of the day, thats all that matters.

As long as we both keep working at it, and we both stay strong, and we never stop wanting this, then we're going to be just fine.

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS UNCONDITIONAL BABY.

(8)I crave you,
I breathe you,
I taste you
I see you in my dreams
I'll never replace you,
escape you,
crazy as it seems
You said you'll never go any where
But every time I look around boy you gonna dissapear
Still I cry
still I try to save you
Baby boy I crave you
Don't you know I love you

I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time its different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

Just because im not speaking to you,
doesnt mean i dont miss you every day

The truth is,
i gave my heart away a long time ago,
my whole heart,
and i never really got it back.

Im ready.
Im ready to be the girl i used to be.
The girl who never cried, never got mad about stupid things,
and the girl who would never let one guy,
be her reason for not being happy.

the end

We've always been told that things will never be easy,
that people you thought you knew so well, change,
that everything will, at some point, be forgotton,
and all good things, someday will come to an end,
But i never thought you'd be the one to make things hard,
or that you'd be the one i look at and think 'who are you?',
or that id wonder where our amazing nights went,
and i never ever thought id ever ever see the end.

I think part of the reason that we hold on to something so tight,
for so long,
is because we fear something so great will never happen again.

its so hard to understand why the memories hold on,
when i let go so long ago.

Whatever it is thats had this hold on me for the past few weeks, whether its panic attacks or what, i think its over now.
I know that maybe i haven't won the war, but i won this battle at least.
It's not going to be easy, and im going to have to fight to be okay, but i think i can do it.
Things have been changing the past few months and its been really hard but i think im slowely adjusting.
School is getting easier, im settling in, im not hurting anymore because of any of the people from my past, and me and andy..well, we're okay. Sometimes i just think that maybe he's a little bit like jordan, but i dont know if thats all in my head. Im scared of him sometimes, scared to make him angry or.. i dont know, its so hard to explain. either way, its going to be okay.
But you know what i figured, even if me and andy broke up, it would be okay, cus sure it would hurt, but he's changed me, he's taught me to be honest and good and nice and im eternally grateful for all of those things,
so even if we dont grow up and get married and have children, its alright, because we'll both meet someone who we do end up going through those things with.
Because as much as id like to be with andy forever, im not naive enough to think that its a certain possibility.
I've promised forever before. I promised it to myself to a boy who i thought was the love of my life, but it just didnt happen.
But you know what, sometimes, you love, you learn and you move on... and thats okay.

x

Is it always going to feel this way?
Godd... when i was fifteen all i wanted to do was grow up, and now im seventeen, im nearly old enough to vote, and drink, and smoke.. and i've never felt more like a kid in my life.
im so scared to grow up.
im afraid of everything i have to face.
and i miss everything i've left behind.
everythings so different now. things have just changed so much.
its just different. :(

2008.x

2008 was hard, and it was easy, and it was fun and it was all the other little things in between. I had to stand back and let a lot of things change, but most of all, i had to let me change, and i think that was the biggest task of all.
I've lost a lot in the past year. I've lost Stu, and Jordan, and my Grandad. And i lost Rhys and i lost a million different 'friends', and also, i think i lost my self a little bit too.
But then i moved to heles,and i met andy, and i fell in love, and i made new friends, and slowely, im mending those parts of me that were broken.
Im so tired of feeling lonely and sad, im ready to get out there again and face whatever 2009 is going to bring me. Im ready for change this year.
I dont normally do new years resolutions, but this year i have, just some little things.

1. Pass my driving test.
2. Stop biting my nails.
3. Still be andy bunney's girl by 31/12/2009
4. to not change back into the horrible person i used to be...